Stuff Fat People Like


Finding inspiration at the politically-incorrect (but oh, so funny) blog, StuffWhitePeopleLike, I’m gonna go out on a socially insensitive limb and take a dig at the stereotypical “gravitationally significant” population of America (and maybe I can finally get my own book deal w/a $300k advance, too).

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

STUFF FAT PEOPLE LIKE

Elastic – Snug and secure yet comfortable and forgiving (as long as it’s not pushed to it’s absolute limit), miraculous elastic is capable of holding socks in place on the thickest of cankles.  It eliminates the need for a rope-belt around even the largest of waists, but if you want to secure your pants in the style of Jethro Bodine, you can always use a bungee cord and get the best of both worlds.

Why would a fat person want a $3000 bespoke suit when he/she can get an entire walk-in closet full of sweatpants for less?

Buffets – Fat people always eat at buffets.  When I was a kid, these were marketed as “All You Can Eat”.  Over the years, I’ve noticed the subtle the shift to “All You Care to Eat”.  I suppose this makes the assumption that fat people are both capable and willing to stop before they fully “get their money’s worth”.

If a Democrat wins the White House (gasp!) in November, I suspect we’ll see the creation of a new government sponsored program preventing over-consumption of calories.  (but that’s enough about my own political bias for today)

Wholesale Clubs – Where else can fat people buy low-fat cookies and diet soda in bulk?  At least they have the opportunity to buy a treadmill while shoving food samples down their pie-hole.

Cable TV’s Sports PackagePlay a sport?  Why would a fat person do that when they can watch 100s of games from the comfort of their own Lay-Z-Boy recliner without breaking a sweat?  There seems to be a correlation between how fat a person is and how many sporting events they watch, but more research is needed.

Metabolic Syndrome/Syndrome X – Speaking of reseach, medical disorders provide a convenient excuse legitimate reason why fat people can’t lose weight even though they snack on low-fat cookies and only eat one “real” meal a day.  Obviously, these are the true casualties of a rare genetic condition.

All-inclusive vacations/cruises – Like buffets, a fat person can eat all they want and get all the alcohol they care to drink, too.  Plus, watching the scenery from a lounge chair on the sky deck is almost as good as watching your wide-screen TV at home.

Big-Dog t-shirts/Super-sized menus/Hummer H2s/Breast & Penile Implants: We live in a country where bigger always means better (which would explain the length of this blog post).   Fat people have the mindset that eating dessert doesn’t make a person fat, it just makes one “proportional”.

IHOP – French toast, pancakes, waffles – Oh my! According to their website, the International House of Pancakes sells more than 700 MILLION pancakes each year to fat people.  I’d hate to pay their syrup bill.

Have something to add to the list?

Comments, hi-5s and random insults are always welcomed

COMING SOON… Things Fit People Like
(Morning Cup Of Joe is an equal opportunity offender)

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5 Comments

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  1. I always thought Hummers were actually for little short guys with little “wee wees” that were trying to make up for something lacking. Thanks for clearing that up.

    Funeeeee post.

  2. You forgot the wading pool. You can just hang out. Same goes for hot tubs and whirlpools. I actually used to watch a guy come to the pool, jump in, hang out at the end, and then go to the whirlpool. What a workout.

  3. I am playing a little blog catch up and OH MY GOD JOE this is one of the best posts I have read in a long time.

  4. Stuff fat people like… Amusement parks and not riding the rides, tucking in shirts, wearing nice polo shirts and cotton coaches shorts (tucked in of course).

  5. What's Your Point? October 21, 2008 — 1:02 am

    What’s your point? Are you saying bashing white people is as bad as bashing fat people? Are you saying the folks at the anti-white blog don’t know anything about culture in the same way fat bashers know nothing about the realities of fatness? All your “jokes” are based on myths, so you’re really making fun of fat bashers? And, especially, their predictability, i.e. they all believe the same sets of lies?

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