Political Correctness Lessons for Skinny People

Being the always considerate, caring, warm-hearted (and only occasionally sarcastic) person that I am, I figured it would be helpful to you, my dear, insensitive readers – if I provided a brief lesson on ways to call someone a “lard-ass” without the risk of overstepping bounds of common decency.

Lesson one: Use specific anatomical/physiological terms instead of offensive slang

Example: “look at that fat ass dude!” becomes “please join me in observing the person with an XY chromosome pattern and an adipose tissue-dominant posterior”

Lesson two: Never – EVER – point and laugh at someone just because they can eat you for breakfast.  Instead, find some quality other than physical size to laugh at.  Traditional alternatives such as race, religion, gender, political affiliation, IQ or disfigurations of the reproductive organs are always acceptable.

Example: Michael Moore is not fat.  He’s just a tree-hugging satanic liberal hermaphrodite. 
(See? Doesn’t that sound so much nicer than saying he’s a “fat-ass piece of sh*t”?)

Lesson three:  If you do get caught saying something which could be misconstrued as inappropriate or offensive regarding one’s larger-than-life physical stature, follow the Don Imus approach: Lay low for a couple months and then resurface as if nothing ever happened.  Time heals all wounds.

Before the hate mail comes rolling in, let me remind you that in my power-lifting days, I was a 300+ pound lump o’ crap.  While at the time, I held firmly to the delusion that it was all muscle, the few remaining pictures would tell otherwise.  Heck, even when I was a kid, I always had to wear the “husky boy” jeans from Sears.



  1. OK, but so what do I call liars now? I usually call them big fat liars. Is it OK to do that only if they are thin? What if they happen to be fat?

    What if I’m fat? Is it OK to say it then? What if I’m not fat but just think I’m fat? OK or not OK?



  2. River, within the bound of political correctness, self-delusion is not only allowed, it’s encouraged.

    For the record, I’ve seen your pics, you’re not fat, but if you want to believe that, you’re entitled, with the caveat you must believe that it is a disease and that it’s not you but rather it is a hold-over from a primative time in human history in which we wrongly believed in absolute truths.


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