Being the always considerate, caring, warm-hearted (and only occasionally sarcastic) person that I am, I figured it would be helpful to you, my dear, insensitive readers – if I provided a brief lesson on ways to call someone a “lard-ass” without the risk of overstepping bounds of common decency.
Lesson one: Use specific anatomical/physiological terms instead of offensive slang
Example: “look at that fat ass dude!” becomes “please join me in observing the person with an XY chromosome pattern and an adipose tissue-dominant posterior”
Lesson two: Never – EVER – point and laugh at someone just because they can eat you for breakfast. Instead, find some quality other than physical size to laugh at. Traditional alternatives such as race, religion, gender, political affiliation, IQ or disfigurations of the reproductive organs are always acceptable.
Example: Michael Moore is not fat. He’s just a tree-hugging satanic liberal hermaphrodite.
(See? Doesn’t that sound so much nicer than saying he’s a “fat-ass piece of sh*t”?)
Lesson three: If you do get caught saying something which could be misconstrued as inappropriate or offensive regarding one’s larger-than-life physical stature, follow the Don Imus approach: Lay low for a couple months and then resurface as if nothing ever happened. Time heals all wounds.
Before the hate mail comes rolling in, let me remind you that in my power-lifting days, I was a 300+ pound lump o’ crap. While at the time, I held firmly to the delusion that it was all muscle, the few remaining pictures would tell otherwise. Heck, even when I was a kid, I always had to wear the “husky boy” jeans from Sears.