Rules, Regulations and Important Terminology

This is my gym.
There are many like it, but this one is mine

There are many reasons I work with clients in their homes and not my own. There are also plenty of reasons I don’t care to train in commercial gyms.
In the unlikely case you do ever find yourself training with me in my basement, there are a few things you’ll need to understand before we load up the bar…
  1. The inner-most weight always faces inward
  2. All other weights face out (and do I really even need to mention they must be in descending order?)
  3. Always use collars. If you don’t know how to use ’em. I’ll show you one time.
  4. At the end of a workout, everything gets put back where it belongs
  5. If you’re going to train in my gym, expect to listen to heavy metal
  6. Deadlifts and shoes don’t mix (unless they’re Vibram FiveFingers)
  7. Lifting straps are only allowed if you lack the all-important opposable thumb
  8. Gloves? Get a Curves membership. Around here, if you can’t grate cheese across the callouses on your hands, you’re a wuss
  9. No, there is no padding for the squat bar – that’s how it’s supposed to feel
  10. You are responsible for cleaning up your own sweat, drool, blood or any other bodily fluids that might go flying during a workout
  11. Concentration curls are not allowed
  12. You don’t have to enjoy training, but if you’re just going to go through the motions, go somewhere else.
  13. Don’t talk to me when I’m doing (or obviously preparing) for a set.
  14. If I ask you to spot me during a set, don’t hover over me with twitchy hands. If I need help, you’ll know it.
  15. Yes, there is a mirror. No, it’s not for posing. It’s set in a strategic location to get the most bang for my lighting buck. Don’t move it. Don’t touch it. Don’t let me catch you even looking at it.
  16. We share loading/unloading responsibilities
  17. 25lb weights are called “quarters” and 2.5lb weights are known as “babies”
  18. Misloads are unacceptable and are punishable by waterboarding
  19. If you’re not invited back, don’t take it personally. I’m not really into that whole “training partner” thing.
  20. If you are invited back, take it as a compliment.

One Comment

  1. I’m curious as to the reasoning for the first part of rule #2. The descending order part is obvious, but I’m not clear about the inward/outward division.

    The general rule at the more serious gyms I’ve trained at was that all weights face inward so that the numbers are not visible. The reason I was given is that it was a matter of courtesy; a lifter does not need to announce to the world how much he or she is lifting. That information is between the lifter and his/her coach (or training log).

    What (undoubtedly blindingly obvious thing) am I missing?


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