Bad Boys, Bad Boys… What’cha Gonna Do?

More creative (and true) ways in which snack foods can hurt you… 

1) I still remember the time when my mother reached over the breakfast table to smack me across the nose with a 2-pack of pop-tarts, but what must life in Iowa be like that this story about a “snack attack” makes headlines?

I’m not sure what the statute of limitations is on assault with processed/packaged snack foods, but mom, if the police come busting through your door followed by a film crew for “Cops“, don’t say I didn’t warn you…

2) Even if you only enjoy the smell of hot, buttery popcorn, the fumes alone can apparently create a condition known as “popcorn lung“. 

Maybe this is just another one of those top-secret govenment conspriacies to gain control over a certain population of teenage movie-goers, but just like the whole “crack in ‘da hood” thing, this, too, will surely sprial out of control.

I can see it now… movie theaters will try to pacify non-popcorn eaters by creating a separate “non-popcorn” section, but of course, they’ll have to walk past the butter fumes to get there, leading to verbal – even physical confrontation – and a clear line will be drawn between users (called “poppies”) and non-users. 

Within a couple years, popcorn lobbyists will swarm DC, followed by class action lawsuits resulting in large sums of money put into state programs to help control the popcorn habit.  You’ll see billboards and rubber bracelets with all kinds of catchy slogans [“Stop before you pop”, “Butter isn’t better”]; presidential candidates will deny ever inhaling the butter smell; there will be surgeon general warnings on the side of popcorn bags; a minimum age of 18 to purchase and adults getting busted for buying popcorn for underage ‘poppies’.

Now would someone please pass the salt?


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