I Was Abducted By Aliens…

It sticks in my mind so clearly, it’s as if it happened only yesterday.I remember looking up and seeing the bright lights all around.

They carted me off to some sort of interrogation room. I counted 3 – possibly 4 of them. Their small, round faces were covered but I could still see their goggle-shielded eyes peering curiously at me – almost as if they were human and could somehow relate to my natural sense of discomfort.

One (possibly a female of their species) seemed to almost glide across the surface of the sterile floor, taking a position directly beside me. For a quick instant, I felt a sharp stabbing pain on the top of my right hand. This was followed by a cold, icy feeling running up through my arm.

Another one placed a clear plastic mask over my face (presumably to muffle my cries for help) and before I could even attempt to fight back, the room went completely black.

…I later learned from conversations with other abductees that my abdomen was filled with some kind of inert gas — and then the probing began. Toto, we’re certainly not in Kansas anymore.

Yes, it’s true. I had a colonoscopy yesterday – my first ever medical procedure requiring sedation (I’ve never even had a cavity, for crying out loud).

I can’t say I was particularly looking forward to the procedure (for multiple reasons), but now that it’s done, I can tell you that it’s not as bad as you might expect. In fact, the worst part was the day before the actual exam.

I’ll avoid being overly graphic here, but if you’ve ever seen a slurry pump in action (like the ones on the Discovery Channel production where they show how Dubai’s man-made “Palm Islands” are built), you’ll have a rough idea what I was experiencing by the end of a full day of nothing but clear liquids and oral laxatives.

But in just 20 minutes, the probing was done. The ‘aliens’ found what they were looking for and removed a small non-cancerous (whew!) polyp from my colon.

As I awoke in the recovery room, the sounds and smells emanating from the other abductees were familiar and earth-like, yet at the same time, more intense than anything I had ever experienced before.

The moral of today’s story: Even if a medical procedure makes you a little uncomfortable, it’s okay to make yourself the butt of a joke if it helps you deal with it.

While we’re on the subject, I just gotta add this classic punch line: Wrecked ’em? Damn near killed ’em!


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