The Global Warming Solution: Stop Exercising

With each step on the treadmill and every rep at the squat rack, fitness minded people around the world are carelessly contributing to global warming and ultimately, the demise of life on earth.

If we’re to believe that we li’l ol’ humans are responsible for all the heat buildup and greenhouse gasses, one must take into consideration the effect of all those calories we’re burning at the gym, too.

Any 5th grader knows that heat rises – so it should come as no surprise when I tell you the calories you expend during your workouts go straight to the upper atmosphere where they relentlessly gnaw away at the ozone.

But it gets even worse.

Fact: people living in 3rd world countries do not have the necessary resources for gyms and personal training studios on every corner.

Fact: the majority of planet-destroying muscle is being built by fitness buffs across America and Europe and more recently, the Chinese have started putting in more time at the gym.

Do you realize the majority of earth’s muscle building population resides above the equator? In case it’s not becoming clear to you already, this top-heavy loading of our celestial home is causing the earth to tilt even further on its axis. This phenomenon is directly responsible for the intensified weather patterns we’re seeing around the globe. Hurricanes, tsunamis, earthquakes – even that gaping hole in the ozone can all be traced right back to the gym.

What can we do to restore the delicate balance of the earth? Fortunately, steps are being taken. After 15 years, Singapore is finally dropping their childhood anti-obesity program, but it’s not enough, people. It’s NOT enough!

Rather than debate the need for a fence at our border with Mexico. it would make much more sense to start an immediate exchange program with South America. For example: Give us 5 undernourished Bolivian immigrants each willing to work for $2.50 an hour and we’ll send an overweight, overpaid American lawyer. (of course, this would have the additional positive effect though the instant reduction in frivolous lawsuits, but let’s try to stay focused here, ok?)

I know – I know… if you’re thinking this is unreasonable (and possibly even offensive), you’re absolutely right.

Because of the logistical problems in sending enough XXL northerners to the southern hemisphere in time to put the earth back onto it’s proper axial tilt, the more practical solution is to stop exercising. If not for yourself, put down that barbell for your children. Plop your glutes right back down on the sofa to give your grandchildren a fighting chance. Future generations of homo sapiens need us to stop sweating, straining and consuming so many protein shakes if the human race is to have any chance at survival on this rotating rock we call home.

Someday, science may discover a way to recover some of the sweat-energy we unmercifully sling around the health clubs and use it for something benefical to all. But for now, my advice is to forego all forms of exercise and just take it easy ’til this whole global warming thing passes.

My sincere and deepest thanks go to Al Gore for taking my solution seriously and leading by example.

My hero: Oscar winner and eco-warrior, Al Gore


One Comment

  1. Hmmmmmm, interesting idea. Does this explain the condensation on the pipes that run along the ceiling in all gyms?


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