Is your butt soft and saggy like a bag of kittens?

In my book, nothing beats squats, deadlifts and lunges when it comes to shaping those muscles you’re sitting on right now – but sometimes you gotta step back and make sure the muscles you think are working are actually in the game.

This morning, I took Fox 17’s Smita Kalohke through three glute shaping exercises you don’t want to miss.

(of course, you’ll need to click the link you just skimmed over to watch ‘em)

In the 3rd exercise, you’ll see the “ValSlide” created by celeb trainer Valerie Waters.  I still have the gray-colored version she sent me way back when they were still in ‘beta testing’ mode.

Learn how Val uses her ’secret weapons’ to shape some of the most recognizable backsides on the red carpet at CelebrityFitnessCoach.com.  As Jennifer Garner says about the ValSlide, “It’s deceptively simple and incredibly effective…”

Can’t argue with that.

You know the ones.  Those fully formed, spherical mass o’ muscles you see behind powerlifters, sprinters and female fitness models (mmmmm, fitness models).

Their butts defy gravity while they sit high up on their perch as if they somehow KNOW they’re better than all the other glutes.

…And they are.

So why is it that some butt-iss-ee-moes (as “Body by” Jake Steinfeld refers to ‘em) hang, sag, droop and flop around in the breeze?

I’m glad you assed. (not a typo, I just couldn’t resist)

When muscles aren’t challenged, they effectively ’shut down’.

Forget to contract.

Lie dormant.

The contractile fibers are still there, but once they’re off, they’re off – until you turn ‘em back on.

As good as squats, lunges, running up hill and numerous other exercises can be, when a muscle can’t do its job, other muscles are called into play to create the movement.  In the case of ‘gluteal amnesia’ (that’s an Alwyn Cosgrove-ism if there ever was one), it’s often the hamstrings which become dominant (and overused… and injured) while your butt just sits there.

Want to find out if your glutes are taking a nap?  Try lying face up on the floor and lift your hips into a “bridge” position with your feet flat, knees bent.

Do it.

Right now.

Did your hamstrings cramp up on you?  They shouldn’t.  If they did, they’re working too hard.  Your glutes should be the main players in this simple exercise.

Even if you consider yourself “old” and aren’t all that concerned with the look, shape or feel of your posterior, you be wise to consider the function (or lack thereof) of these all important muscles you’re sitting on right now.

If you really want to see me make an ass of myself, be sure to watch Grand Rapids Fox 17 this Friday morning (around 8.40am) where I’ll be taking Smita Kalokhe through as many variations of glute re-awakening exercises as we can squeeze into a 4 minute segment.

Can’t catch it because you’re not in the Grand Rapids area?  I got you covered.  Check back in after the show and I’ll post a link to the video plus some additional strategies to give you some shake to go with those fries.

What does that MEAN?

Don’t ever question Bruce Dickinson.

“My favorite way to get ready for a workout is _______________”

You take it from here.  Don’t be shy.

Leave comments below.

In case you missed yesterday’s preview video, this morning I made another appearance on Grand Rapids’s Fox 17 Morning Show to take Sarah Brodhead through 3 exercises that’ll help you develop arms even Michelle Obama would be proud of.

Anyway, here’s a link to the segment as you’d see it on TV (nothing but Hi-Def news broadcasts at Fox… Brian, you know what I’m talking about ).

And because you know how hard I work to keep my legion of adoring fans (all 5 of you) entertained, here’s some behind the scenes footage I put together with my Flip Cam.  Trust me, you don’t want to miss it…

“I had a very unattractive transvestite throw softballs at me for half an hour…”
-Tracy “barefoot’n” Forner

“I’ll flash west Michigan” – Sarah “the animal cracker” Brodhead

Tune in to the Fox17 Morning Show tomorrow – June 19th – and watch me take host Sarah Brodhead through a “Michelle Obama Arms” workout.

If you can’t stop in, honk as you go by (or watch it online at WXMI.com)

Lesson #3:  Surround yourself with people who have already accomplished what you want to do.

While I never broke any records on the lifting platform, I went from a sloppy 400lb squatter as a young 20-something while doing things on my own to a respectable 700# lifter in my mid-20s by training with guys who squatted as much as 300 pounds MORE than me (and at a lighter bodyweight, I should add) who’ve already ‘been there, done that’.

Experience is the best teacher.

(now that I’m creeping ever closer to 40, I’m still keep this lesson in mind every single day!)

Lesson #2: Accept it, you’re never going to please everybody.

Give your very best on every attempt.  There will be red lights in life, but 2 white lights out of 3 counts as just as good of a lift.

Back in the day when I trained alongside Ed Coan at Quads Gym on Chicago’s south side, I learned many a lesson that still apply to many aspects of my life today.

Lesson #1: Stay focused and do what you say you’re going to do.

If your training schedule calls for you to lift a weight for X number of reps, it doesn’t matter if you vomit, bleed or ‘hershey squirt‘ in the middle of your set – you’ll still be respected if you complete your set.  You can always clean up your mess later.

I used to give one of my ol’ buddies a hard time when his mom would Nair his back in high school.

Perhaps it’s what they call poetic justice, but I’ve grown progressively hirstute over the years.

Since finally breaking down and going to the table for my first back waxing experience last year, I’ve had to face tough questions.  Namely, where do you STOP?

Unlike the naturally occurring tree line near the top of mountains, I think it looks pretty darned ridiculous to go from a woolly forest of body fur to the alpine tundra of bare skin.

No transition zone.  No feathering/fading from one area to the next.  Just a sharp line where the skin stops and hair starts.

To spite the fact that I have, in fact, become “one of those guys”, I’ve actually toyed with the idea of doing a full-body mohawk – one continuous loop of pelage from top to bottom.  I seriously doubt I’ll ever go down that road, but it certainly paints an amusing picture in my mind.

At least now that I’ve become a regular at a local de-hairing establishment, it seems the hair that does grow back really is thinner and lighter that it used to be.  And using balls of sugar, water and who-knows-what-else (instead of traditional wax), they’re able to give me a more natural looking ‘fade’ from back to shoulder.

If you want more information on the history of hair removal (and you know you do), you’re gonna love this.

While we’re on the subject of hair, is it just me, or have you ever noticed the correlation between bald guys and convertibles?  On those rare occasions I see a guy with a full head of hair driving in the open air, I always snicker and think, “enjoy your hair while you got it, chump!”  I plan on keeping my (head) hair as long as I can -  I won’t even open the sunroof.

Thought ya’ll get a kick outta this li’l video I put together yesterday for one of my ongoing projects…