You know that old saying about “if I got a dime every time somebody ___________”?
Well, I used to think if I got a small commission every time a woman expressed her fear of lifting weights simply because she thought it would make her look more man-like, I’d have enough to pay off the U.S. debt and still have enough left over to buy a couple small continents.
But apparently lifting weights really does have the potential to make some women take on male characteristics.
Just in case these pictures aren’t a fluke (or photo-shopped), I’ve already started brainstorming a formal apology to women everywhere for all the misinformation I – and my fitness industry brothers and sisters – been giving over the years. Here’s my rough notes so far. Let me know if you have any ideas how I can make this better…
Ladies of the world, I’m so sorry.
You were right all along. [women just love this crap. use this phrase frequently!]
It’s all my fault that you stayed fat when all you wanted to do was lose a measly 30 pounds in a weekend to “kickstart” your results before doing a “real” fitness program.
Those ab-sculpting videos and low-intensity ‘cardio’ classes I talked you out of really were the answer you were looking for – and I didn’t take your feelings into consideration.
I’m so stupid and feel so ashamed. [here’s where I’ll start doing the fake cry thing]
I’m just now seeing how special you really are. [sniffle a little bit] You were absolutely right when you told me that your body wouldn’t respond to progressive resistance training and a goal-supportive diet even though you only had a ‘cheat meal’ once – sometimes twice – a day.
The frequent cakes, cookies, muffins and wine were only ‘snacks’ and couldn’t have had anything to do with your lack of results. They were all organic. Heck, you bought ’em from the ‘health food’ store, so they must be good for you.
I don’t know if I can ever earn back your trust…But maybe if you let me buy each and every one of you a triple-scoop frozen yogurt smothered with organic, free-trade chocolate syrup, we can try to rebuild what we once had. But I’ll lift the spoon to your mouth. We wouldn’t want you to get even bulkier from all that lifting.
When I realized you were right, I created something especially for women like you. Now I want to show you a preview of my brand new infomercial. It’s a product I call “sleeping beauty.” There’s a battery operated 1/4lb plastic weight that comes in a little, pink box with a ribbon. You put it under your pillow at night and the weight sends fat burning signals to your brain while you sleep…