Celebrities Spotted Hanging Around Cheap Motels
Fitness trends are cyclical, indeed.
This story about shaken (not stirred) mice is sure to set the fitness industry back a few years into it’s not-so-glorious “spot-reducing” past.
(Which reminds me, aren’t we due for some new research on how effectively the Thighmaster eliminates ‘the jiggle’ from inner thighs?)
It’s only a matter of time before some lazy arse with “M.D.” after his name transposes this shake-’em-up report into creative ways in which he can sell a worthless fitness program to desperate housewives across America.
Infomercial gadgets supporting this “new” way to exercise are certain to follow. When gyms start offering group vibration classes, I might just have to rethink my career choice and get involved in something with more credibility, such as selling used cars or becoming a member of the People’s Temple.
But why wait? You can drop your quarters into the box next to the bed at the No-tell Motel and after 15 minutes of vibrating good times, you’ll have a lean, firm mid-section.
Well, at least the rodents living in the mattress will have a nice six-pack.
This Is What A Diet Of Potatoes, Corn and Llama Meat Will Do For You…
From the culture that introduced the world to quipu, Machu Picchu and a tasty performance enhancing substance long before home-runs mattered, this story about child sacrifice and bad haircuts might make you reconsider before pulling out your wallet in the fast food window drive-thru lane…
America Forfeits World War II
Turns out Floyd Landis lost his case and has to forfeit his 2006 Tour de France title.
He claims he didn’t use banned performance enhancing drugs while the tests supposedly say otherwise.
We’re really only talking about riding a bike over some hills, right?
When it comes down to it, only Floyd knows the truth. If he’s honest with himself and didn’t break any rules of the competition, title or not, he still won.
Even if he loaded up on every form of testosterone, growth hormone and all the cans of Red Bull he could find, fact of the matter is, he still came in first place when it counted.
Seems to me that sports are a lot like war: You do what you have to do to win.
Will You Please Stop Staring At Me?!
Maybe it has nothing to do with my choice of footwear afterall.
Could a new report from livescience.com explain why I get the feeling I’m always being watched?
I’m never been one to gamble, but my money stays on the shoes.
Bad Boys, Bad Boys… What’cha Gonna Do?
More creative (and true) ways in which snack foods can hurt you…
1) I still remember the time when my mother reached over the breakfast table to smack me across the nose with a 2-pack of pop-tarts, but what must life in Iowa be like that this story about a ”snack attack” makes headlines?
I’m not sure what the statute of limitations is on assault with processed/packaged snack foods, but mom, if the police come busting through your door followed by a film crew for “Cops“, don’t say I didn’t warn you…
2) Even if you only enjoy the smell of hot, buttery popcorn, the fumes alone can apparently create a condition known as “popcorn lung“.
Maybe this is just another one of those top-secret govenment conspriacies to gain control over a certain population of teenage movie-goers, but just like the whole “crack in ‘da hood” thing, this, too, will surely sprial out of control.
I can see it now… movie theaters will try to pacify non-popcorn eaters by creating a separate “non-popcorn” section, but of course, they’ll have to walk past the butter fumes to get there, leading to verbal – even physical confrontation – and a clear line will be drawn between users (called “poppies”) and non-users.
Within a couple years, popcorn lobbyists will swarm DC, followed by class action lawsuits resulting in large sums of money put into state programs to help control the popcorn habit. You’ll see billboards and rubber bracelets with all kinds of catchy slogans ["Stop before you pop", "Butter isn't better"]; presidential candidates will deny ever inhaling the butter smell; there will be surgeon general warnings on the side of popcorn bags; a minimum age of 18 to purchase and adults getting busted for buying popcorn for underage ‘poppies’.
Now would someone please pass the salt?
No, I’m Not Gay Bashing. Just Read This.
Back in the 1970s, the classic American Cancer Society’s black & white poster, “Smoking Is Very Glamorous“, was enough to keep me ever from wanting to light up. Some 30 odd years later, I still have nightmares of that haggard old face and wrinkled fingers clutching a cig with a rigor mortis grip.
Always quick to jump on the coat tails of America’s most successful marketing methods, our British brothers (and sisters)-in-arms are about to launch their newest weapon in the modern war against fags (look, it’s Brit-speak for cigarettes, okay? I don’t make this stuff up).
Much more colourful than the lone ACS poster of my youth, those quirky Brits are about to unveil a series of 15 images in their anti-smoking arsenal - each one more disgusting than the last (well, you’d have to set them up in order to get that effect, but you get the idea)
I have to wonder what a digestive system would look like after a lifetime of deep fried fish & chips.
Less Is Moore?
When you hear the name ”Michael Moore”, do you think of…
A) a cinematic visionary capable of restructuring our country into a modern day utopia if he would only run for president in 2008…
or
B) a sloppy, disgusting loudmouth sack of aged fecal matter, who, through his adiposity and negativity, has the potential to personally add more burden to our nation’s health system than the entire state of Mississippi.
Either way, you gotta check out this new challenge issued to Michael Moore by my fitness-industry buddies, Jim Labadie and Ryan Lee. Go get him, guys!
[and don't forget to tell your friends about it, too]
What Would Darwin Say?
Make no bones about it…Evolution of a species can happen very quickly. Apparently, the entire human race took a dramatic leap forward as we’ve developed a brand new endocrine organ - OVERNIGHT! - that may prove useful in the battle against type II diabetes and possibly even obesity.
So much for my sense of job security.
Idiots In The News
I admit it… I find it very annoying (to put it mildly) when people feel the need to broadcast their political preferences, favorite breed of dog, love of bingo or the school their child attends through cheap, 50 cent bumper stickers plastered across the back end of a $30,000+ vehicle.
So I guess that means I’m gonna have to stop at a gas station to find a foam & mesh hat with the raised text “I Brake For Idiots” on the front panel.
It’s still early in the week, yet we’ve already had to deal with some really stupid news. And this goes way beyond the (most recent) release of everyone’s favorite heiress from her 12×8 foot jail cell.
1) We have a story about a pro wrestler who killed his wife and 7 year old kid before hanging himself. Of course ESPN was quick to label it a case of ‘roid rage.
Didn’t Arnold “The Governator” admit to steroid use during his bodybuilding days? Who has he killed lately? What about the majority of the NFL? Major league baseball? Tour-de-France cyclists? The Chinese women’s swim team?
If ‘roid rage is really the side effect of steroid use the media makes it out to be, every four years I’d expect the Olympic games to be awash in blood.
I’d bet the parents of ESPN’s newscasters never had to worry about removing “honor student” bumper stickers when it was time to trade in the family sedan.
2) In another story, fast food restaurants in NYC have decided to “stand their ground” and blatantly defy a law (albeit a ridiculous one) by refusing to list the calorie content of the crap, er… ‘food’… they push on their customers.
Want to find out what happens when you defy a law? Just ask the aforementioned Miss Hilton now that she’s traded in her orange jump suit for freedom. She may still stop for chihuahuas, but I predict she won’t be stopping off for a drink before driving home anytime soon.
3) A pair of really intelligent parents (both doctors) in India thought it would be a good idea to let their 15 year old son deliver a baby by Cesarean section.
WOnder if they have a pro-life bumper sticker: “Choose Life – Let Our Son Deliver Yours“
I can’t wait to see what tomorrow’s news has to offer.
Arrested Development
During the summers of the late 1970s, early ’80s, I remember getting up in the morning, having some scrambled eggs and a pop tart or two, then as soon as the Flintstones was done, I’d go outside to play ‘cops & robbers’ with my neighborhood friends all day – the only break would be for a sandwich (usually a couple slices of cheese-impregnated ham with a slathering of yellow mustard) and a cold glass of cool-ade (I don’t know what flavors, but it seemed like it was always red).
Whenever we’d play CHiPs, there’d be the standard argument over who could be “Ponch“.
Back in those days, to become a police officer (or at least to play one on TV), you really had to have the appearance of being an outstanding citizen and in good physical condition (Don’t even try to convince me that Barney Fief, Rosco P. Coltrane or the aforementioned motorcycle cops from CHiPs weren’t all in the their physical prime).
Looking back, I suppose I could even give some credit to those fictitious law enforcers as my early inspirations to exercise as I’d run around chasing bad guys and patrolling the neighborhood on my ‘motorcycle’ all day. (Okay, so maybe Ponch & Jon were just convenient excuses to put baseball cards in the spokes of my bike…)
“Being well-rounded, having some life experience, makes for a better person and patrolman…” Fast forward to the present day, non-televised world of cops: Police standards are sinking fast.
Minor crimes like drug convictions (“experimental use of cocaine and marijuana” or “ecstasy… as long as it was more than five years in the past“) and gang related activity (I can only imagine what this includes) are no longer the barriers to wearing a badge and carrying a service revolver that they once were.
You now have the right to a jelly donut. If you cannot afford a deep fried mound of flour covered (and filled) with sugar, a donut will be provided for you by the taxpayers.
The physical standards for new recruits are falling, too (why else would I have brought the subject up in the first place?).
One police department in Alaska now allows for an additional 21 seconds to run 300 meters – giving them a full minute and 17 seconds to cover the track. Should I assume they’re running in snowshoes?
The L.A.P.D even loosened the body fat requirements to 24% for men and 32% for women. I could understand these levels in the corn-belt states, but in Los Angeles? Judging by the cover of People magazine, I was under the impression that being overweight there was a crime!
In everything else in life, standards get tougher. Why would something as important as protecting and serving go the other way?
Come See For Yourself
What do the names Sinatra, Bon Jovi, Springsteen and Horner have in common?
They are all incredibly talented individuals you can hear on the radio AND each one hails from the state of New Jersey.
Did you just ask ‘But who’s Horner’?
Well, if you live within earshot of Vineland, NJ, you’re probably already familiar with my friend and colleague Sherri Horner, host of a popular heath & fitness themed radio show on 92.1FM.
Sherri interviews everyone from world champion athletes to top medical professionals and internationally known fitness experts.
(Not to boast, but I’ve been a guest on the show more than a few times. And if you look closely at the show’s website, you might even notice a picture of yours truly. But that’s enough about me… this one is all about you, baby!)
Thanks to Sherri’s dedication to spreading the fitness word beyond the borders of the Garden State (along with some help from the miracle that is streaming media), fitness buffs worldwide can now tune in LIVE Saturdays 12:00 to 1:00 P.M. EST from the comfort of their personal computer.
What? That’s smack dab in the middle of your Saturday workout? Or maybe you’re still recovering from Friday night’s decadence and debauchery?
No problem. Past shows are starting to become available at HealthFitnessBroadcast.com, too.
So start spreadin’ the news…
I Am Very Much Alive
Just to clear up any confusion…
1) Yes, my name is Joe Stankowski
2) No, I did not die in WWII
I only bring this up because according to an article in Monday’s (Pittsburgh)Post Gazette:
“When the Germans counterattacked with tanks, Mr. [Joe] Stankowski’s position was overrun, and he was killed…”
I Blog, Therefore I Am?
Notwithstanding the fact that I wasn’t even born until February of 1972, assuming I actually was killed by German forces in 1945, would somebody puh-leeeze care to explain to me how it is possible that in the first few months of 2007 I have already…
- Contributed a chapter (“The Quest for the Golden Monkey“) to Alwyn Cosgrove’s Lift Strong project. NOTE: All proceeds go to the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society.
- Written an article (“5 Costly Mistakes When Creating a Home Gym”) for Coach Mike Robertson’s special report, Insight From The Experts – now available absolutely free to subscribers of his e-newsletter…
- Been quoted and/or contributed to numerous training tips in Men’s Fitness magazine…
- Tested and/or reviewed various fitness books and products, including TylerGrips (which, by the way, are my favorite new training tool) and a new line of nutritional supplements available only through fitness professionals…
- Made my acting debut in the stage production of “In A Time of Scoundrels” at the Delaware Theatre Company
Need even more evidence that I am alive and kicking?
In mid June, I’m tentatively scheduled to oversee another multi-day fitness video podcast shoot in NYC.
If you’re in the area and feel compelled to meet with me in person to prove to your doubting self that I really did survive the German attack during dub-ya dub-ya two, I’ll be happy to hang out with my legion of fans at a yet-to-be-determined dining establishment (probably in Mid-Town) – but please, no autographs…
Stay tuned to The Cup for more details…
Wacky News Review
NEWS ITEM #1: Is it just me or is musician Sheryl Crow looking as rail-thin as female celebs Nicole Richie and Lindsay Lohan as of late?
Maybe this recent quote from Ms. Crow will clear things up…
“Although my ideas are in the earliest stages of development, they are, in my mind, worth investigating. One of my favorites is in the area of forest conservation which we heavily rely on for oxygen… I propose a limitation be put on how many squares of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting… Now, I don’t want to rob any law-abiding American of his or her God-given rights, but I think we are an industrious enough people that we can make it work with only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where 2 to 3 could be required.”
Sheryl, listen to me now and hear me later: If you’re able to take care of business with only one square, either you’re using super-sized toilet paper or you need to start eating more, honey.
NEWS ITEM #2: WARNING: DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME – In South Africa, a gang attacked a man, forced him to strip off all his clothes and then superglued him to his exercise bike while they ransacked his home.
While I don’t think this is the best way to go about getting people to exercise, I have to give the bad guys points for originality. If they weren’t so hung up on being mean & nasty criminals and had the victim’s fitness and body composition in mind, it might have been more effective (and less painful) to just superglue the guy’s refrigerator door shut.
NEWS ITEM #3: Actor Daniel Radcliffe, best known for his role as Harry Potter, is stripping down for a theatre role in London in which he blinds 6 horses with a spike. (!!!) I was kind of hoping he’d play a South African man who gets glued to his exercise bike.
You can decide for yourself if he has a good body. As for his bathroom hygene, that’s completely out of my jurisdiction.
Fine China
NOTE #1: for this (incredibly short) post to have any chance of making sense, you will need to click the links below and read a couple short articles (just don’t forget to hit your back button to return to “The Cup”.
Soy Milk = Poison?
Can soy milk really make you sick? According to a news story today, it can if you attend kindergarten at the wrong school in China.
Is it possible China’s also trying to poison us right here in the US?
It kind of makes me think the push for higher standards to eliminate so-called ‘junk food’ in US schools should be a little lower on our priority list. Instead, we might want to do what they did on American Idol last night – give back (food imported from China, that is).
Now will someone please pass the Oreos and a Diet Coke – if it’s made in the USA, it’s good enough for me.
NOTE #2: Don’t expect a blog post from me tomorrow. I’m getting up early to drive to NYC for another shoot. Unlike my missed day earlier this week, tomorrow is a PLANNED break from blogging. If you’re lucky, maybe – just maybe – I’ll throw out an extra one over the weekend to hold you through ’til Monday!
Spotted WHAT??
According to this article, Dutch scientists are now hoping to develop “foods that can prevent obesity by making people eat less”.
I don’t mean to burst any Dutch bubbles here, but as I mentioned in a recent post, I lived in England for a few years. From my experience overseas, I’m fully confident the Brits have already crossed the bridge and mastered the skills of creating food that people wouldn’t want to eat.
While I hoping to return to the US with a slick new James Bond accent, I came away with something much more valuable – a true appreciation for the culinary artistry of Taco Bell.
Imagine sitting down in a restaurant, opening the menu and having to choose from traditional British fare such as:
Bubble & Squeak
Toad in the Hole
Black Pudding
Lardy Cake
Bedfordshire Clanger
Steak and Oyster Pie
or
Spotted Dick
Feeling hungry yet?
I quickly figured out why our neighbors across the pond drink so much alcohol.
I could go on and tell you how they’d add baked beans to any recipe (beans on toast, baked bean pizza, etc), but I’d worry that it would come across as cheap filler for an otherwise tasteless blog post.
Veel Geluk, my Nederland-ish friends, but if you want to be “first” at something, you might consider creating wooden cross-trainers or tulip bulb flavored energy bars.
Things Are Gonna Start Happenning…
“The new phone books are here! This is the kind of spontaneous publicity I need. My name in print. That really makes somebody. Things are going to start happening to me now.”
- Navin R. Johnson (played by Steve Martin) in The Jerk (1979)
The new issue (May ’07) of Men’s Fitness is just starting to hit the newsstands and I’m excited to see my name in print. Not for any specific article, mind you – that’s old hat for me now – but in the fine print at the beginning of the mag (pg 6 for those who are checking up on me). It’s taken a little longer than expected, but I’m now “officially” on the MF advisory board.
Now that it’s official, I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before I’m invited to the quarterly advisory board meeting in some tropical locale and hanging out with the natives of a yet to be named island paradise.
But more importantly, I’m looking forward to meeting you - my growing legion of fans – possibly on the MF summer tour (I’m assuming the American Idol contestants will be our opening act?). Or if that gig falls thru, maybe I’ll be able to sign an autograph for you at some Hollywood red-carpet event before I casually stroll inside with Christina Aguilera or Liz Hurley.
OK, I gotta admit – there is no MF summer tour planned (at least that I’m aware of) and it’s probably much more likely that we’ll just cross paths at a bookstore, or Costco, or maybe in the produce section of a grocery store. Chances are, you probably won’t even recognize me as the celebrity that I’ve become and the only person that’ll want my autograph is the girl I just handed my credit card to at the checkout register. But dammit, I’m not only in print – I’m in fine print and quite proud of it. Just let me enjoy my dream, will ya?
I guess what I’m really trying to say is THANK YOU to everyone at MF for making me look good in print for almost 4 years now (yikes!).
See you on the tour bus.
The Global Warming Solution: Stop Exercising
With each step on the treadmill and every rep at the squat rack, fitness minded people around the world are carelessly contributing to global warming and ultimately, the demise of life on earth.
If we’re to believe that we li’l ol’ humans are responsible for all the heat buildup and greenhouse gasses, one must take into consideration the effect of all those calories we’re burning at the gym, too.
Any 5th grader knows that heat rises – so it should come as no surprise when I tell you the calories you expend during your workouts go straight to the upper atmosphere where they relentlessly gnaw away at the ozone.
But it gets even worse.
Fact: people living in 3rd world countries do not have the necessary resources for gyms and personal training studios on every corner.
Fact: the majority of planet-destroying muscle is being built by fitness buffs across America and Europe and more recently, the Chinese have started putting in more time at the gym.
Do you realize the majority of earth’s muscle building population resides above the equator? In case it’s not becoming clear to you already, this top-heavy loading of our celestial home is causing the earth to tilt even further on its axis. This phenomenon is directly responsible for the intensified weather patterns we’re seeing around the globe. Hurricanes, tsunamis, earthquakes – even that gaping hole in the ozone can all be traced right back to the gym.
What can we do to restore the delicate balance of the earth? Fortunately, steps are being taken. After 15 years, Singapore is finally dropping their childhood anti-obesity program, but it’s not enough, people. It’s NOT enough!
Rather than debate the need for a fence at our border with Mexico. it would make much more sense to start an immediate exchange program with South America. For example: Give us 5 undernourished Bolivian immigrants each willing to work for $2.50 an hour and we’ll send an overweight, overpaid American lawyer. (of course, this would have the additional positive effect though the instant reduction in frivolous lawsuits, but let’s try to stay focused here, ok?)
I know – I know… if you’re thinking this is unreasonable (and possibly even offensive), you’re absolutely right.
Because of the logistical problems in sending enough XXL northerners to the southern hemisphere in time to put the earth back onto it’s proper axial tilt, the more practical solution is to stop exercising. If not for yourself, put down that barbell for your children. Plop your glutes right back down on the sofa to give your grandchildren a fighting chance. Future generations of homo sapiens need us to stop sweating, straining and consuming so many protein shakes if the human race is to have any chance at survival on this rotating rock we call home.
Someday, science may discover a way to recover some of the sweat-energy we unmercifully sling around the health clubs and use it for something benefical to all. But for now, my advice is to forego all forms of exercise and just take it easy ’til this whole global warming thing passes.
My sincere and deepest thanks go to Al Gore for taking my solution seriously and leading by example.
My hero: Oscar winner and eco-warrior, Al Gore
A Rabbi Walks Up To A Vending Machine…
It’s that time of year again… Coca-Cola is cooking up thier annual Passover Edition kosher Coke – apparenty the Jewish popuation spends enough on the carmel colored nectar-of-the-gods, some chochem at Coke figures its worth making a yearly visit back to the original real-sugar sweetened formula. Isn’t there anyone who can go 8 days without a bottle of coke?
Where I grew up in the midwest, we called it pop. When I lived in the UK, we called it fizzy. Here on the east coast of the US, the ‘locals’ call it soda. I remember a trip to Missouri where they just called it coke – even if it was Pepsi. (What kind of coke do you want?)
Whatever name you attach to that brown, sweet, bubbly concoction, there’s research suggesting those who drink it are more likely to over-consume calories from all sources.
L’Chayim!
Your Dog and Viagra?
I know this might upset Pamela Anderson, but I gotta get this one off my chest: I’m not particularly fond of animals. There I said it. [Whew, that felt good!] I know, I know… I’m a horrible excuse for a human being, but give me a chance to explain myself before you cast me aside as a common scalawag, hooligan or scoundrel.
Before humans began domesticating dogs about 15,000 years ago, they ran free in the wild. They didn’t get locked in the house all day; they didn’t have to take trips to the groomer; and they certainly didn’t have to worry about their health insurance plan.
Today, there’s a story floating around about the increased use of pet medications. It seems that rather than take their dogs out for regular, health-promoting exercise (which would of course result in health benefits for themselves), Americans find it easier to apply the human formula of medicating everything from arthritis to dementia to obesity. What’s next – viagra for Fido so he can hump your leg just like the old days?
What ever happened to putting a sick animal down? Don’t animal-rights activists believe a pet also has the right to a quality of life that matches their natural, pre-domestic state?
Before anyone puts a postage stamp on a hate-mail letter addressed to me, let me point out that my real problem isn’t even with the animals themseles, but with the lack of physical activity people are getting. Isn’t it irresponsible to force the same sedentary lifestyle upon a pet? I’d go so far as to call it abuse.
If you’re going to treat your pet like one of the family, I’m assuming you will take on the role of parent. What would you do if your own children sat on their butts all day? (a-HA!! I think I’m on to a common thread here, but childhood obesity is a blog for another day!)
Ok, maybe the animals aren’t so bad afterall – It could just be the pet owners I don’t really like (why in the hell would you put a t-shirt on a dog? WHY?!) All I’m trying to say is that if you lead by example, your pooch might follow.
Yo, Adrian! Put another vial on the bar-b, mate!
How does a 60 year old actor stay in great shape?
Well, in Sly Stallone’s case it looks like growth hormone might be one part of his training program.
The media is predictably over-hyping everything around this ‘story’. Of course, there is the issue of legality of the drug in Australia but beyond that, the only question that really needs to be asked is, “so what?”
Can the use of “performance enhancing drugs” do anything to improve his acting skills?
Does he gain some kind of “unfair advantage” in his profession by (allegedly) using this “medicine”?
Who actually gets hurt when an actor uses growth hormone?
Before you argue with me by suggesting that anabolic steroid/GH use in any case is cheating, what about the casual use of cosmetic surgery? Seriously, we’re talking about an actor. Their paychecks are based on their ability to have a particular look.
What about less-than-attractive-women who know how to cheat by using make up and a pushup bra? Shouldn’t they be fined and labeled as frauds?
Why wouldn’t the short guy with heel-lifts in his shoes be discredited and have his man-license revoked?
Will hair coloring become a crime? I can see it now – Paris Hilton gets pulled over on suspicion of transporting some private label hair product across state lines with intent to distribute to her socialite friends.
Maybe radio jocks who digitally alter their voice for a more “booming” presence should be locked away for their role in ‘fooling’ the public (the FCC has fined jocks for stranger things!)
Acting is all about entertainment. It sounds like he made a foolish mistake by attempting to import an illegal substance into a foreign country, but c’mon people – let Sly do his job.
"Mighty" Joe Stankowski
