My Vote Goes To The Candidate Who…
Ok, I’m not really gonna make this a political post. In the interest of keeping this a health/fitness/training themed blog, how ’bout we file this one under “personal hygiene”
If you’re planning on voting for McCain or Obama only because you believe a president should be capable of standing up while they take a leak, this might be a good time to review your voting criteria.
Now I wonder how long it’ll take for Hillary to promote universal P-mate coverage at sporting events, political rallies and concerts…
(for the record, I found the video at my favorite blog for a guaranteed laugh: ListOfTheDay)
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While we’re on the subject of morons, would any of my fine readership care to meander over to my contact page and explain to me a better way to get the point across to “Gabe Benjamin S”?
(um… what I mean to say is that Gabe is the moron, not you, fine reader…)
Maybee I’s nots thuh most kleerest wryder somestime, but I thunk it’d bin ‘splained wellz ‘nuf in the BOLD RED PRINT…
Gabe, you’re an idiot – the first one worth singling out since I added the BOLD RED PRINT.
Before I sign off, did anyone else happen to notice the BOLD RED PRINT?
French Fries: The Other White Meat?
So I found this Food Slogan site and thought, “Hey, I can do that!”
- Bleu Cheese: Yes, It’s Mold. Now Get Over It.
- (Organically Produced Sugar) You May Get Fat, But At Least You’re “All Natural”
- Burgers Make The World Go ’round
- Go Ahead! It’s Only Cheesecake
- e-Coli Flavored Spinach: That Which Doesn’t Kill you…
- Trans-fat, Mmmmmm
- Eat Meat Before It Eats You
- Who’s Got A Hankering For Brussels Sprouts?
- Caviar: Eggs Aren’t Just For Breakfast Anymore
…That’ll be $149, please.
Diet Plans You Might Want To Stay Away From
Ok, so maybe I pulled these titles out of my (ahem) caffeine-soaked mind, but I wouldn’t be surprised to see ‘em on Amazon.com, either.
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The Thin (Mint Cookie) Diet
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Diet Coke Diet [this is the one where 1 diet coke + 1 snickers bar = zero net calories]
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Eat $&%@ and Die(t)
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Double Whopper with Cheese Diet
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If You Can’t Fry It, Don’t Buy It Diet
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The Whiskey and Cigarette Diet Plan for Expectant Mothers
Got anything to add?
13 Great Gifts For Bodybuilders
I realize the holiday season is long gone, but in the words of my always-enthusiastic neighbor, “every day is a holiday.”
(no, I do not live next to Ned Flanders)
Here’s a baker’s-dozen gift ideas for the bodybuilder in your life.
- Mirrors
- Anything made from spandex
- Canned tuna
- Crocheted syringe cover
- Tanning bed
- Razors
- Terminator Underoos
- Proactiv Solution
- A tour of the BALCO facilites
- Shaker cups
- A signed picture of Arnold
- Subscription to Flex magazine
- Lifting straps
If you arrived here expecting something a bit more on the serious side, check out www.PrecisionNutritionPlan.com. It’s the most complete guide to goal-supportive nutrition available.
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Bodybuilders: All Show and No Go?
As a one-time competitive powerlifter, bodybuilders can still be a frequent (and oh, so easy) target for me to write about.
But sometimes, even the vanity-driven, hairless and well-oiled ones find a way to do something positive worth mentioning.
This story shows that there may just be some functional/performance carry-over to posing in your underwear.
See? I can give credit where credit’s due.
Plastic Surgery? Bah!
Recently, I was asked if I knew of of any surgery-free ways to help “the girls” resist the downward tug of gravity.
Combining my years of experience in the fitness industry along with my appreciation of the female form (plus a hint of sarcasm), I ‘discovered’ there are, in fact, 3 highly effective, non-invasive techniques keep those womanly bits right where they belong.
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Surgery-free boob lift idea #1: stand on your head
Surgery-free boob lift idea #2: search the classified ads or yellow pages for a company that specializes in “support services”. Or maybe you can get a referral from Janet Jackson.
Surgery-free boob lift idea #3: strategically placed duct tape
With less than 12 hours until my birthday, I suppose it’s entirely possible the day will come in which I’ll grow up and just answer one of these questions with a shrug of the shoulders and a dismissive “I dunno“.
Nah…
7 Instant Weight Loss Tricks
- Get a hair cut
- Trim your fingernails really, really close.
- Donate your “extra” organs (c’mon…TWO kidneys?)
- Amputation
- Space travel
- Ever have a colonoscopy? Try the bowel prep
- Lie
Relationship Commitment Issues
Dearest John,
It’s hard for me to say this, but we both know it’s time to face the reality of this situation.
You and I just don’t get the quality ‘alone time’ we did during the first couple weeks of our relationship. Our initial togetherness has dwindled down to nothing.
Sometimes you make me feel it’s because I’m heavy and that’s not fair. It’s just the way I’m put together and you knew that when we first met.
Every day, I patiently wait for you to come home. To hold me. To lift me from the floor and make me feel appreciated.
The most I get from you lately is nothing more than a pile of your clothes thrown at me.
I can handle being used. I don’t mind if you sweat all over me and drop me to the floor when you’re done ‘doing your thing’.
Heck, if you could just give me 10 minutes a day, that’d be a good start.
You can do what you want with me, but I can’t take it when you ignore me for weeks – even months – on end.
Before you come running after me again, you’d better sort out your priorities, mister.
Love always,
Your Weight Set
P.S. Don’t try to tell me it’s my fault I’m getting old and rusty. You’re the one who left me in this damp garage all winter.
The Absolute-Funniest-Blog-Post-Ever-Award Goes To…
It has nothing to do with fitness (well, maybe the “third wheel” pic could stand an outside shot at making it), but this is too good for me to not link to.
No sense for me to even try to describe it. Words couldn’t possibly do it justice.
Enjoy.
-JS-
When Did Nipples Become Unfashionable?
I went to the post office today to pick up my usual bag of fan mail (OK, so maybe it’s a really small bag, but it’s still a bag!) and what to my amazement did appear but a new fitness-music catalog.
It’s the kind of mix/jam stuff designed for the leg-warmer & leotard ‘group fitness leader’, but somehow I found my way to their mailing list. Lucky me.
Sitting at a red light, I figure I might as well thumb through this full color publication before getting back to my office where it was certain to make its way directly to the recycling bin.
Then it happened…
Page 6…
They were right there, staring at me – smack dab in the middle of the page…..
Nippits Concealment Strips
The product was billed as
The perfect Solution for times you do not want your nipples to show
A 5-pair package is a measly 7 bucks.
I don’t know if it’s worth it, and maybe I’m the only one who finds this kind of thing funny, but I just had to dig a little deeper to see how big of a problem undesired nipple exposure really is.
According to the Nippits website,
For years, women have been looking for an effective alternative to painful and bulky adhesive taping methods for concealing their nipples.
They continue by suggesting
…Nippits design fills an important niche’ in the area of fashion…
Always eager to learn more, I discovered that
Nippits do not cover the areola. They compress the nipple to the level of the surrounding breast.
Whew! Would you believe that my first concern was that the areola would be covered.
Seriously, ladies… are protruding nipples really as ‘unfashionable’ as I’m supposed to believe?
I mean, it’s not like you’ve ever had to deal with being in the 7th grade and while your mind drifts only for a moment, your teacher calls you up to the board to solve an equation at the “worst possible time”.
Just ask any guy far enough beyond the grueling pubescent years if he can recall (or even cares to admit) a time when he walked red-faced and eyes-down to the front of the class protectively clutching a math book in front of his “junk” in effort to hide a raging-hormone induced bulge.
Fashionable or not, THAT’S a market that needs to be better served.
I can’t wait to see what next week’s mailbag has to offer.
Did You Ever Notice…
… when you play a Tae Bo video in slow-motion, it becomes Tai Chi?
… there are “gym rats” who can’t balance their checkbook, yet they can quickly add in increments of 2.5, 5, 10, 25 and 45?
… “cardio queens” won’t touch a barbell/dumbbell for fear of getting bulky, but as soon as you call it a “body bar” or “hand weight” and cover it with foam, they’ll fight over who gets the heaviest ones?
… runners will run for exercise, but they’ll seldom do exercises to help them run well?
… people with the best bodies wear sweatshirts and baggy pants in the gym while those who have the most room for improvement (how’s that for political correctness?) wear spandex shorts and tank tops?
You Know You’re In A Powerlifting Gym When…
…the last guy left 405lbs on the bar and nobody complains.
…fights break out over the bar with the good knurling.
…no matter how much you can lift, you get respect for showing up.
…15 minutes rest between sets isn’t uncommon (that would explain the 3 hour workouts).
…you can insult, steal and lie, but don’t you dare misload a bar for another lifter – ever!
…it’s perfectly acceptable to vomit/bleed/crap all over yourself in the middle of a workout - as long as you finish your set.
…mirrors? for what?
-JS-
You Know You’re In A Bodybuilding Gym When…
…there are more mirrors than weights.
…you have to take a number to get a turn on the preacher-curl bench.
…management asks you to leave because you’re NOT wearing spandex.
…your monthly membership includes a bottle of Pro-Tan.
…the guy at the leg extension machine is eating tuna from a ziploc bag between sets.
…20″ biceps and a 22″ neck are always the result of “good genetics” and “hard training”.
-JS-
You Know You’re In For A Tough Day At The Gym When…
…you get out of breath carrying your gym bag from your car to the locker room.
-JS-
You Know You Had A Killer Workout When…
…you can’t get on or off the toilet without supporting yourself on both the towel rack and countertop.
Have anything to add? Feel free to comment.
-JS-
Delaware Personal Trainer Makes it Big in NYC?
A big thanks to former Philadelphia, now Brooklyn-relocated trainer Matt Shuebrook for the heads-up on my newest stalker, er… “fan” from the city that never sleeps.
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This is a REAL ”Missed Connections” ad cut/pasted directly from craigslist.
To the personal trainer from Delaware (SoHo)
Reply to: pers-xxxxxxx632@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-10-29, 10:40PM EDT
I’m writing this knowing you won’t read it and I won’t act on it. Every time I see you I want to make an excuse to talk and hope you’ll laugh. Even though I won’t see you outside our normal circumstances, I can’t help but fantasize about your hard, lean body constantly. You are not my usual type, yet your intelligence and sense of humor, along with the physique, make you irresistable. I don’t think you feel the same way, but it’s for the best since I’m not your type either. Bottom line is you’re tempting me in the worst way. Whoever gets to have you at the end of the day is a lucky woman indeed.
- it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 463594632
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Dear Nameless One from NYC,
While there are a handful of trainers located in the sales-tax free state of Delaware, based on the fact that I do spend some time working in SoHo every month, along with your spot-on description of my hard, lean body (not to mention my intelligence and sense of humor), I can only assume you’re referring to me (though you did noticeably omit charming, charismatic and ruggedly good looking).
Well, I guess what I mean to say is I did read your ad and I am flattered, yet retain my usual degree of humble-itude.
You may be right in that “we’re not each other’s ‘type’”. But what else can I say other than next time you see me, please talk. I’m pretty sure I’ll laugh.
Yeah. I can just about guarantee that.
Love and fitness always,
Joe (the irresistable trainer from Delaware)
xxxooo
P.S. Until we cross paths once again under ”normal circumstances”, feel free to fantasize about my blog posts right here at “The Cup” (and share it with your friends!)
P.P.S. Edwin, if this is you… I swear I’m gonna kick your ass at the next photo shoot (not that there’s anything wrong with that)
Celebrities Spotted Hanging Around Cheap Motels
Fitness trends are cyclical, indeed.
This story about shaken (not stirred) mice is sure to set the fitness industry back a few years into it’s not-so-glorious “spot-reducing” past.
(Which reminds me, aren’t we due for some new research on how effectively the Thighmaster eliminates ‘the jiggle’ from inner thighs?)
It’s only a matter of time before some lazy arse with “M.D.” after his name transposes this shake-’em-up report into creative ways in which he can sell a worthless fitness program to desperate housewives across America.
Infomercial gadgets supporting this “new” way to exercise are certain to follow. When gyms start offering group vibration classes, I might just have to rethink my career choice and get involved in something with more credibility, such as selling used cars or becoming a member of the People’s Temple.
But why wait? You can drop your quarters into the box next to the bed at the No-tell Motel and after 15 minutes of vibrating good times, you’ll have a lean, firm mid-section.
Well, at least the rodents living in the mattress will have a nice six-pack.
In The Beginning…
In the beginning, there were Megabytes. Lots of ‘em - strategically divided among host servers all around the world and The Internet was good.
…then along came Joe.
Since my bi-weekly e-newsletter was actually only being written a handful of times each year, my intent was simply to use a blog as a tool to get back to the habit of regular writing to reconnect with my “peeps”. But as things often do, this ‘practice field’ has taken on a life of its own.
On the first day, a blog title was born. Sprouting from nothing more than a creative seed wedged somewhere in my caffeine-soaked brain, MorningCupOfJoe.com took its first breath outside of my mental womb.
On the second day, I posted. My (occasional) grammatical errors, mis-spellings and incomplete thoughts were now immortalized in the blogosphere for all to see. Editors, sponsors and lawyers be damned, on March 13, 2007, I wrote what I wanted to write, the way I wanted to write it - and I still do.
On the third day, I discovered technorati. Blog ranking now had meaning. In a relatively short time, I categorized, tagged and keyword-optimized my way out of the blog-cellar up to a somewhat respectable rank. I even gained a ”fan-base” which appears to be growing daily.
On the fourth day, I switched from Blogger to WordPress. I gained the ability to create pages, view meaningful stats, use domain mapping and customize the header.
On the fifth day, I added widgets to The Cup. I gave ‘em funky coffee-flavored names in effort to stay consistent with the name of this blog. Ironic thing is I don’t even drink coffee (but if you put a Diet Coke within arms reach of me, I’ll down it before the first carbonation bubbles break the surface).
On the sixth day, I continued to develop my blogging style. In addition to (hopefully) providing you with something interesting/worthwhile to read, I also entertain myself with a multitude of educational moments, inside jokes and hidden messages which only I can decipher with the help of a secret decoder ring.
While it’s true that some may consider The Cup an inspirational marvel of writing along the lines of Shakespeare, Coleridge or Hemmingway (Earnest, not Mariel), I can only remain humble as I accept my role as a simple messenger of all-things-fitness.
On the seventh day, I rested. Even on the days I don’t actively post I’m still in creative mode, carrying my ever-faithful Panasonic voice recorder to capture the ideas and events that find their way into my life. I’ve learned that when I play them back, if I turn my head sideways and squint really hard while staring at my monitor, the posts often seem to magically write themselves.
Today, I write my 100th post. I’ll lift weights, eat meat and continue teaching others to the best of my ability how they can do the same in effort to reach their personal fitness and/or performance goals.
Tomorrow, I may still get around to sending out my e-newsletter again…
Thank you for making time in your busy day to read my wramblings, post your comments (whether you agree with me or not), suggest topics, link to The Cup and/or otherwise contribute to the ongoing growth and success of this li’l ol’ blog.
Circumcision, Necrophiliac Porn and a Cat Fetish
Regular readers of The Cup may have noticed an uncharacteristically long gap between posts. First-timers are probably wondering what the hell they’ve gotten themselves into.
While it was long before the advent of blogging, perhaps the best piece of advice I ever got was “If it don’t fit, don’t force it“.
(Get your mind out of the gutter, will ya’? Many years ago, I had a job as a stationary engineer at the University of Chicago [that story is a post for another day] and the advice was given to me regarding the correct way to repack a gate valve, but I digress…)
Over the past week or so, I’ve been tossing ideas around for your continued reading (and my writing) enjoyment. Some of ‘em were okay at best. Others met a quick death. It’s not what I’d call writer’s block, I just wasn’t excited about any of ‘em enough to sit down and type ‘em out.
Of course, I always welcome ideas and thoughts other than my own, so my friends and clients often come up with some really inspiring concepts – many of which have mutated into the ramblings which lay here before you.
Aware of my ongoing ‘war‘ with Leigh Peele, one friend suggested the title, “I’m Uncircumcised and Sleep With Dead Cats“ (At least I’m hoping it was a blog suggestion and not a desperate cry for help.) Besides, I’m not sure what it has to do with anything fitness-related, so I left that one on the back-burner… ’til today ;-)
As I learned about packing valves in my former life, forcing an issue doesn’t usually give the best results – which explains my self-imposed break from blogging.
Fast forward to today’s take home message in the form of a couple of the more (for lack of a better word) interesting life lessons I’ve learned.
Damn you, Count Dracula – When I was about 4 years old, I watched an episode of Sesame Street when the ‘number of the day’ was 3. Somehow this number sparked a burning question in my mind, so I was compelled to ask my father if 3 seconds was a long time.
He said, “It depends.”
Being the curious li’l guy that I was, I couldn’t resist following up with a “what d’ya mean?”
Apparently not one for philosophical discussion, I was hoisted off the floor by my ears while ol’ dad slowly counted out, “one…two…three…” and then put me back on my feet. This time he asked me if 3 seconds is a long time.
My answer: “It depends!”
This is how I came to understand the theory of relativity.
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Ahhh… NOW I Get It!!! - Once during college football practice, I dislocated all 3 joints of my middle finger. The athletic trainer quickly straightened things out, taped my discombobulated digit and sent me back into practice. At the end of the day, I asked him if there was anything I can do to strengthen my finger so this doesn’t become a recurring issue. His advice: Soak it in cider…
As every wild salmon instinctively knows it must fight the current to return to the place of its birth where nature’s cycle can be made complete, the mind always finds its way back to the gutter…
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I’m So Happy I Was Born Without A Uterus
It should come as no surprise when I say I will never understand women.
Fortunately, I do have estrogen-dominant friends who are willing to explain things to me in real simple terms.
What you’re about to read is a REAL letter from a REAL person. I got her permission to post it here at The Cup as long as I keep her identity under wraps (you never know when someone may decide to shift gears and make the jump into politics).
I added the links within the text where I thought it might be useful/informative or in some way add to the entertainment value of this already humorous story, but don’t let ‘em distract you.
Ladies, enjoy. Guys, let’s see if we can’t learn something here.
(I’ll comment again at the end of her letter)
************************
Joe-
I thought of your blog while being stalked at the gym today.
I began my workout and noticed a strange man watching me, so I ignored him and went to a different area of the gym.
He followed.
After having him pace around me while doing standing straight bar curls and nearly bumping into me a few times, I again left to find a new area.
I found a nice secluded corner of the gym to do a few sets, and you guessed it, he followed me again!
I made one last effort for seclusion, because as you know, I want my space.
So I set up an area for a little circuit. I was doing isolated dumbbell curls, pushups and abs.
After my pushups I walked out to a different area to do an ab exercise and guess who jumped onto my bench I was working out on.
“The stalker”.
Now mind you, there were 4 other open benches and only 2 other people in an area that is 30′x30′. But no, he had to jump right into my space.
As I approached him with the “Get the &^*&)* off my bench” look he responded with a cheesy ‘hey baby’ smile.
Are you kidding me?
This dope was trying to hit on me by interrupting my workout!
After I got done laughing to myself about the absurdity of thinking interrupting ones workout is the best way to make an introduction, I went back to reclaim my space.
I sat back down on my bench, started lifting and the 2007 Darwin award winner sat next to me and said “Hi, I’m Bob” and started lifting a weight lighter than mine.
I finished my set, looked at this guy and said “You’ve got to be kidding me!”
He stood up and walked away whispering “bitch” under his breath.
I was speechless. (mainly because I prefer to be addressed as ”Queen Bitch”)
I think this guy missed a few behavioral clues that would have saved us both some time……
1. Hat, headphones and sweat mean don’t bother me
2. Fiddling with my iPOD means don’t talk to me
3. Never stopping between sets to sit and gaze at oneself in the mirror means don’t interrupt me….go away!
4. The fact I was wearing less spandex than him should have been a big clue that I was obviously not in his league
5. The fact he lifted less weight than me should have been a clue he was not in my league
6. And, lastly according your recent post, “Will You Stop Staring At Me?”, the fact that I don’t make eye contact means I am not attracted to you!
I am not sure I will ever adapt to the health-club pick-up mentality.
Doesn’t anyone remember the old days where respect was earned and given as the 1st phase of gym-relationships?
Of course, the 2nd phase would involve peeking thru the hole in the wall near the showers to determine if you should actually ask them out!
(Name and location withheld by request)
************************
Ok, it’s me, Joe, again.
Well, fellas… did we learn anything today? Do the women have anything to add?
And like I said in the beginning, the odds are that I will never understand women but even I am smart enough to steer clear of women that wear less spandex in the gym than I do – hehe!
Will You Please Stop Staring At Me?!
Maybe it has nothing to do with my choice of footwear afterall.
Could a new report from livescience.com explain why I get the feeling I’m always being watched?
I’m never been one to gamble, but my money stays on the shoes.
Feed The War
Perhaps the most ironic twist of fate ever, the very downfall of our society might just be the powerful weapon we need to enlist to finally end the war in Iraq.
The solution is suprisingly simple and can be summed up in only two words: Fast food.
Now hear me out. I’ve thought this through for at least 15 minutes and I know it can work.
What if the “Big 3″ – Burger King, McDonalds and Taco Bell - would join forces and ‘sponsor’ this war? They could give support to US and allied troops by providing nutrient-void meals to the insurgents and terrorists in the region. (And if they’d like to send a few month’s worth of ‘rations’ to Nancy Pelosi while they’re at it – I’d even be happy to pay for her first week of ”value meals”).
Children in America would have a chance to get healthy again as the billions of marketing dollars which are currently spent to lead them down the road of deep-fried bliss would be diverted to a more meaningful cause.
The burden of cost would be shifted to fast food junkies here in the USA - but the good news is you can still get your meal biggie-sized for only a quarter more.
I realize it’s not an instant death for those members of the axis of evil, but by the end of the first month of an all-American diet, they’ll be so run down and lethargic, we could leave just a handful of “peacekeeping” troops in the region to shoot McFish in a barrel.
It’s a “green” solution, too!
When we’re finished in the Mid-East, our fast food sponsors can then ship the used cooking oil to North Korea where Kim Jong Il will surely recycle it to power his shiny new biodiesel generator.
Freedom is never free… but you do get a very nice toy with every kids meal.
Hillary Rodham Clinton Breaks World Bench Press Record?
One of my fitness industry peers and current blogger of the month over at JPfitness – a month after The Cup wore the crown, I should note – fitness vixen Leigh Peele has thrown down the gauntlet, drawn a line in the sand, went “nah-nah-na-boo-boo” and slapped me right across my (virtual) face by challenging me to a little game of who-can-create-the-best-blog-titles.
Let’s Get Ready to RUMMMMMMMMBLE…
Of course, this game is simply a light hearted exercise in creating compelling headlines and content for our respective blogs in effort to broaden our readership and entertain the masses. But being the competitive sumun-nuhbitch that I am, I’m not about to take this challenge sitting down.
Let’s see what’cha got, Miss Peele.
-JS-
PS> I know what they say about ‘the bigger they are…’, but don’t forget: the smaller they are, the farther they fly ;-)
"Mighty" Joe Stankowski
