All I Ask Is That You Read The BOLD RED Print
Name: Ed XxXxxxxx
Email: xxxxcaptain@verizon.net
Website: [withheld out of courtesy]
I’m sorry to be rude, but is Joe drunk this morning or is he on a sugar/caffine (sic) high from that Starbucks drink? He needs to be reined in a bit.
Time: Tuesday February 10, 2009 at 7:44 am
IP Address: xx.2xx.68.66
***** ***** *****
Thanks for your email, Ed.
You are correct in that Joe has a bit of a drinking problem. We all knew it but were hoping it didn’t come across on camera the same way it does here in the studio. Since it’s obviously becoming a real problem, we plan to submit your email along with several others to the top level of management in hopes of getting this idiot fired once and for all. Of course, this may mean we’ll need to subpoena you as a witness against Joe, especially if he appeals to the FCC and/or the ACLU (which we assume he will).
Will be in touch soon.
Oh, by the way, be sure to revisit Joe’s contact page. This time, please pay particularly close attention to the BOLD RED PRINT.
Thanks again.
Diet Plans You Might Want To Stay Away From
Ok, so maybe I pulled these titles out of my (ahem) caffeine-soaked mind, but I wouldn’t be surprised to see ‘em on Amazon.com, either.
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The Thin (Mint Cookie) Diet
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Diet Coke Diet [this is the one where 1 diet coke + 1 snickers bar = zero net calories]
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Eat $&%@ and Die(t)
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Double Whopper with Cheese Diet
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If You Can’t Fry It, Don’t Buy It Diet
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The Whiskey and Cigarette Diet Plan for Expectant Mothers
Got anything to add?
Bodybuilders: All Show and No Go?
As a one-time competitive powerlifter, bodybuilders can still be a frequent (and oh, so easy) target for me to write about.
But sometimes, even the vanity-driven, hairless and well-oiled ones find a way to do something positive worth mentioning.
This story shows that there may just be some functional/performance carry-over to posing in your underwear.
See? I can give credit where credit’s due.
The Absolute-Funniest-Blog-Post-Ever-Award Goes To…
It has nothing to do with fitness (well, maybe the “third wheel” pic could stand an outside shot at making it), but this is too good for me to not link to.
No sense for me to even try to describe it. Words couldn’t possibly do it justice.
Enjoy.
-JS-
Did You Ever Notice…
… when you play a Tae Bo video in slow-motion, it becomes Tai Chi?
… there are “gym rats” who can’t balance their checkbook, yet they can quickly add in increments of 2.5, 5, 10, 25 and 45?
… “cardio queens” won’t touch a barbell/dumbbell for fear of getting bulky, but as soon as you call it a “body bar” or “hand weight” and cover it with foam, they’ll fight over who gets the heaviest ones?
… runners will run for exercise, but they’ll seldom do exercises to help them run well?
… people with the best bodies wear sweatshirts and baggy pants in the gym while those who have the most room for improvement (how’s that for political correctness?) wear spandex shorts and tank tops?
Circumcision, Necrophiliac Porn and a Cat Fetish
Regular readers of The Cup may have noticed an uncharacteristically long gap between posts. First-timers are probably wondering what the hell they’ve gotten themselves into.
While it was long before the advent of blogging, perhaps the best piece of advice I ever got was “If it don’t fit, don’t force it“.
(Get your mind out of the gutter, will ya’? Many years ago, I had a job as a stationary engineer at the University of Chicago [that story is a post for another day] and the advice was given to me regarding the correct way to repack a gate valve, but I digress…)
Over the past week or so, I’ve been tossing ideas around for your continued reading (and my writing) enjoyment. Some of ‘em were okay at best. Others met a quick death. It’s not what I’d call writer’s block, I just wasn’t excited about any of ‘em enough to sit down and type ‘em out.
Of course, I always welcome ideas and thoughts other than my own, so my friends and clients often come up with some really inspiring concepts – many of which have mutated into the ramblings which lay here before you.
Aware of my ongoing ‘war‘ with Leigh Peele, one friend suggested the title, “I’m Uncircumcised and Sleep With Dead Cats“ (At least I’m hoping it was a blog suggestion and not a desperate cry for help.) Besides, I’m not sure what it has to do with anything fitness-related, so I left that one on the back-burner… ’til today ;-)
As I learned about packing valves in my former life, forcing an issue doesn’t usually give the best results – which explains my self-imposed break from blogging.
Fast forward to today’s take home message in the form of a couple of the more (for lack of a better word) interesting life lessons I’ve learned.
Damn you, Count Dracula – When I was about 4 years old, I watched an episode of Sesame Street when the ‘number of the day’ was 3. Somehow this number sparked a burning question in my mind, so I was compelled to ask my father if 3 seconds was a long time.
He said, “It depends.”
Being the curious li’l guy that I was, I couldn’t resist following up with a “what d’ya mean?”
Apparently not one for philosophical discussion, I was hoisted off the floor by my ears while ol’ dad slowly counted out, “one…two…three…” and then put me back on my feet. This time he asked me if 3 seconds is a long time.
My answer: “It depends!”
This is how I came to understand the theory of relativity.
***** ***** *****
Ahhh… NOW I Get It!!! - Once during college football practice, I dislocated all 3 joints of my middle finger. The athletic trainer quickly straightened things out, taped my discombobulated digit and sent me back into practice. At the end of the day, I asked him if there was anything I can do to strengthen my finger so this doesn’t become a recurring issue. His advice: Soak it in cider…
As every wild salmon instinctively knows it must fight the current to return to the place of its birth where nature’s cycle can be made complete, the mind always finds its way back to the gutter…
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I’m So Happy I Was Born Without A Uterus
It should come as no surprise when I say I will never understand women.
Fortunately, I do have estrogen-dominant friends who are willing to explain things to me in real simple terms.
What you’re about to read is a REAL letter from a REAL person. I got her permission to post it here at The Cup as long as I keep her identity under wraps (you never know when someone may decide to shift gears and make the jump into politics).
I added the links within the text where I thought it might be useful/informative or in some way add to the entertainment value of this already humorous story, but don’t let ‘em distract you.
Ladies, enjoy. Guys, let’s see if we can’t learn something here.
(I’ll comment again at the end of her letter)
************************
Joe-
I thought of your blog while being stalked at the gym today.
I began my workout and noticed a strange man watching me, so I ignored him and went to a different area of the gym.
He followed.
After having him pace around me while doing standing straight bar curls and nearly bumping into me a few times, I again left to find a new area.
I found a nice secluded corner of the gym to do a few sets, and you guessed it, he followed me again!
I made one last effort for seclusion, because as you know, I want my space.
So I set up an area for a little circuit. I was doing isolated dumbbell curls, pushups and abs.
After my pushups I walked out to a different area to do an ab exercise and guess who jumped onto my bench I was working out on.
“The stalker”.
Now mind you, there were 4 other open benches and only 2 other people in an area that is 30′x30′. But no, he had to jump right into my space.
As I approached him with the “Get the &^*&)* off my bench” look he responded with a cheesy ‘hey baby’ smile.
Are you kidding me?
This dope was trying to hit on me by interrupting my workout!
After I got done laughing to myself about the absurdity of thinking interrupting ones workout is the best way to make an introduction, I went back to reclaim my space.
I sat back down on my bench, started lifting and the 2007 Darwin award winner sat next to me and said “Hi, I’m Bob” and started lifting a weight lighter than mine.
I finished my set, looked at this guy and said “You’ve got to be kidding me!”
He stood up and walked away whispering “bitch” under his breath.
I was speechless. (mainly because I prefer to be addressed as ”Queen Bitch”)
I think this guy missed a few behavioral clues that would have saved us both some time……
1. Hat, headphones and sweat mean don’t bother me
2. Fiddling with my iPOD means don’t talk to me
3. Never stopping between sets to sit and gaze at oneself in the mirror means don’t interrupt me….go away!
4. The fact I was wearing less spandex than him should have been a big clue that I was obviously not in his league
5. The fact he lifted less weight than me should have been a clue he was not in my league
6. And, lastly according your recent post, “Will You Stop Staring At Me?”, the fact that I don’t make eye contact means I am not attracted to you!
I am not sure I will ever adapt to the health-club pick-up mentality.
Doesn’t anyone remember the old days where respect was earned and given as the 1st phase of gym-relationships?
Of course, the 2nd phase would involve peeking thru the hole in the wall near the showers to determine if you should actually ask them out!
(Name and location withheld by request)
************************
Ok, it’s me, Joe, again.
Well, fellas… did we learn anything today? Do the women have anything to add?
And like I said in the beginning, the odds are that I will never understand women but even I am smart enough to steer clear of women that wear less spandex in the gym than I do – hehe!
Will You Please Stop Staring At Me?!
Maybe it has nothing to do with my choice of footwear afterall.
Could a new report from livescience.com explain why I get the feeling I’m always being watched?
I’m never been one to gamble, but my money stays on the shoes.
Hillary Rodham Clinton Breaks World Bench Press Record?
One of my fitness industry peers and current blogger of the month over at JPfitness – a month after The Cup wore the crown, I should note – fitness vixen Leigh Peele has thrown down the gauntlet, drawn a line in the sand, went “nah-nah-na-boo-boo” and slapped me right across my (virtual) face by challenging me to a little game of who-can-create-the-best-blog-titles.
Let’s Get Ready to RUMMMMMMMMBLE…
Of course, this game is simply a light hearted exercise in creating compelling headlines and content for our respective blogs in effort to broaden our readership and entertain the masses. But being the competitive sumun-nuhbitch that I am, I’m not about to take this challenge sitting down.
Let’s see what’cha got, Miss Peele.
-JS-
PS> I know what they say about ‘the bigger they are…’, but don’t forget: the smaller they are, the farther they fly ;-)
Maybe I Was Wrong About Yoga?
I’m known for taking a strong stance against yoga and other ‘outdated’ flexibility techniques in favor of Muscle Activation, StopStretching, etc. but when I stumbled across this video, I found myself questioning my long-standing professional philosophy and personal opinions for a moment.
Just as I was dialing the the local yoga studio to reserve my space in the next class, I found this short clip to snap my senses right back to reality.
I don’t care how you package it, yoga IS still evil.
W.H.A.T. D.O.E.S. T.H.A.T. A.C.R.O.N.Y.M. M.E.A.N.?
Every industry has it’s jargon.
Plumbers have pipe dope, back siphons and S-traps.
Statisticians have their Z-scores, sigma plot and p-values.
Realtors discuss expansion potential, assumable financing and quick possession.
In the time travel biz, most people are already familiar with flux capacitors and the all-important 1.21 gigawatts.
But what makes an industry truly unique is the creative thinking that goes into its acronyms.
The fitness-biz is no exception – and if it was, I sure as heck wouldn’t be writing about it here, now would I. [Would I? Would I? Hairlip, Hairlip!]
For regular ‘fitness-folk’, DB (dumbbell), SB (swiss ball) and OH (overhead) are pretty easy to figure out – at least when put in context as in Seated SB OH DB press.
Like I said, it’s obvious, right?
Over the years, I’ve created a couple of my own. Namely, SMART (stability – mobility – agility – repeat – take control!) and the not-so-pretty-yet-still-incredibly-useful, PFROMASTYCC. I pronounce it with a silent “P”, like pneumonia. Phonetically, that’s FRAHM-iss-tyke.
Nice, huh?
However you care to pronounce it, it stands for:
Pain Free Range Of Motion And Speed That You Can Control
(this acronym/phrase can answer roughly 94.1% of all fitness related questions I’m asked on a daily basis)
(as an aside, at a conference a couple years ago, Alwyn Cosgrove, Bill Hartman, Stephen Holt and I tried to come up with something a little more streamlined to replace Vanna White’s worst nightmare above. With a little thought (and maybe a couple beers?), we did come up with PROMISE and PROMOTE as possible alternatives, but nothing says it like the original).
Now I don’t know who came up with SHELC (supine hip extension leg curl), but glutes and hamstrings around the world will be forever grateful for that one.
Perhaps my all-time-favorite (and again, I have no idea who deserves credit for this) is AMRAP: as many reps as possible.
How could 3 unassuming consonants and 2 vowels (both of ‘em “A”‘s even) possibly come together in such universal harmony as to describe the intention of performing a set to complete failure in a non-threatening way?
Ah yes, I still remember the day when I first saw AMRAP on the written page…
<cue dream sequence music>
It was before the war…
Of course, we all wore onions on our belts
because that was the style back then…
<slowly fade to black>
MySpace Surveys
I’m still not sure exactly why, but I have a MySpace page – myspace.com/joestankowski.
If you know anything about MySpace, you’re probably already familiar with the ridiculous “surveys” floating around – most of which I suspect are to gather personal information and steal your identity (even if they are written by 12 year olds)
Notwithstanding the fact that I’m a responsible adult (and have a life) I wouldn’t ever take one of these data-mining exercises seriously, but today I thought I’d have a little fun with some of the questions right here at “the cup”. Enjoy.
- Are you smiling?
Only when I deadlift
- Do you drink beer?
Of course. Milk is for babies – Arnold said so.
- What do you want?
To deadlift more weight. What else is there?
- Are you any good at poker?
Why would I play cards when I can deadlift?
- Pepsi or Coke?
Varsity post workout drink by ProGrade. It has the 2:1 carbs to protein ratio I need and it tastes great!
- Do you ever throw up?
Only after a good workout.
- Do you use a pencil or pen?
I write with lifting chalk.
- Do you believe dreams come true?
Only if you have a solid periodization plan and restoration strategy.
- What are you wearing on your feet?
Barefoot. I’m getting ready to deadlift.
- What was the last thing you ate?
A chocolate-almond supershake (recipe from Precision Nutrition)
- What were you doing before this survey?
Thinking about deadlifting.
- What is the closest item near you that is black?
A stack of 45lb Olympic weights.
- What is the last movie you watched?
Bill Hartman & Mike Robertson’s warm-up video
- Where was your default MySpace picture taken?
At a tattoo shop in Gary, Indiana the day after a powerlifting meet.
- Why did you pick your background?
If it was anywhere else, the tiger would have tried to kill me.
- What is irritating you now?
Knowing that somewhere in the world, there are people who will never have a chance to deadlift.
- Do you have a dog?
No. They don’t have opposable thumbs, therefore they cannot deadlift.
Idiots In The News
I admit it… I find it very annoying (to put it mildly) when people feel the need to broadcast their political preferences, favorite breed of dog, love of bingo or the school their child attends through cheap, 50 cent bumper stickers plastered across the back end of a $30,000+ vehicle.
So I guess that means I’m gonna have to stop at a gas station to find a foam & mesh hat with the raised text “I Brake For Idiots” on the front panel.
It’s still early in the week, yet we’ve already had to deal with some really stupid news. And this goes way beyond the (most recent) release of everyone’s favorite heiress from her 12×8 foot jail cell.
1) We have a story about a pro wrestler who killed his wife and 7 year old kid before hanging himself. Of course ESPN was quick to label it a case of ‘roid rage.
Didn’t Arnold “The Governator” admit to steroid use during his bodybuilding days? Who has he killed lately? What about the majority of the NFL? Major league baseball? Tour-de-France cyclists? The Chinese women’s swim team?
If ‘roid rage is really the side effect of steroid use the media makes it out to be, every four years I’d expect the Olympic games to be awash in blood.
I’d bet the parents of ESPN’s newscasters never had to worry about removing “honor student” bumper stickers when it was time to trade in the family sedan.
2) In another story, fast food restaurants in NYC have decided to “stand their ground” and blatantly defy a law (albeit a ridiculous one) by refusing to list the calorie content of the crap, er… ‘food’… they push on their customers.
Want to find out what happens when you defy a law? Just ask the aforementioned Miss Hilton now that she’s traded in her orange jump suit for freedom. She may still stop for chihuahuas, but I predict she won’t be stopping off for a drink before driving home anytime soon.
3) A pair of really intelligent parents (both doctors) in India thought it would be a good idea to let their 15 year old son deliver a baby by Cesarean section.
WOnder if they have a pro-life bumper sticker: “Choose Life – Let Our Son Deliver Yours“
I can’t wait to see what tomorrow’s news has to offer.
Celebrity Look-Alikes
I just saw a teaser for the evening news where so-called ‘regular’ guys are going under the plastic surgeon’s knife to look like thier favorite celebs.
Brad Pitt’s nose and Russell Crowe’s chin are said to be popular but if I was to ever seriously consider getting work done, I think my first task would be bicep implants. My only fear is that people on the streets might mistake me for “Carrot Top”
Did A Beta-Carotene Overdose Cause This?
BTW: New York, look out. I’m coming into town to do some more work for Men’s Fitness magazine again this week. So I invite my friends and fans in the city that never sleeps to drop me a line in the next couple of days and we’ll try to schedule a time and place to meet up for a meal or a drink over some fitness chat – maybe we can even throw some weights around if you know of a decent gym.
What Happens In Vegas…?
As I’ve said many times before, ALL forms of exercise have some level of value (as well as inherent limitations). With this in mind, while I’d be happy to sit in the audience observing their movement – from a purely bio-mechanical perspective, of course :-) – don’t expect to see me teaching Las Vegas’ fitness craze, Stripper 101 anytime soon.
But as soon as the marketplace is finally ready to accept a Gentleman’s Club Patron 101 (pre-req: Deeply Rooted Fantasies I’ve Been Clinging To Since Puberty 100), I’d be happy to develop a commercially marketable fitness program that begins with a warm up amongst the soft glow of black lights while seated in a comfortable chair (ergonomically correct, no less).
Don’t think the workout will be easy though. To be effective, any training program must include a progressive increase of the training variables.
Here’s A Sample Of What I Have In Mind:
First, perform an iso-tonic contraction against your overpriced, watered down drink in a glass that only gets washed once a week (if you’re lucky). Next, you’ll work contra-lateral elbow and shoulder flexion along with alternating horizontal abduction/adduction. To achieve this, you’ll hand over a progressively loaded fist weighted with a stack of dollar bills to your “training partner” – a young woman named Destiny, Candy or Mocha – she’ll have a story about how she’s working her way through college (she’s obviously on the Dean’s List, too).
Look, But Don’t Touch
Strive to maintain core activation and optimal posture throughout, if not some degree of eye contact and/or personal dignity.
To assist you in maintaining proper training tempo, a bonus CD would include such 1980′s strip club favorites as “Girls, Girls, Girls” or “Hot For Teacher”.
"Mighty" Joe’s Greatest Hits?
Before I started the Morning Cup of Joe, I cut my blogging teeth on myspace.
In a blast from the past, here’s one my more memorable posts for your listening pleasure…
(but you’ll have to sing it yourself)
Sing to the tune of the “Beverly Hillbillies” theme
Well let me tell ya’ story ’bout a guy that didn’t squat.
All he did was bench, so a chest is all he’d got.
Then one day as he was walkin’ ‘cross the beach,
Got stuck there in the sand, buried right up to his knees.
Twigs, that is. Skinny legs. No calves.
***
So his trainin’ partner dug him out ‘n’ said, “you better hit the weights -
we’ll start to squat and deadlift now before it gits too late.”
Then as he was growin’ ‘n’ putting on some size
He finally got acquainted with the muscles of his thighs
The vastus group. Rectus femoris. “Hammies”.
***
Next summer on the beach, he sure didn’t look the same,
Symmetry and balance ‘came the reason that he trained.
Tho’ he still walked like a primate with arms puffed out at his side,
The deadlifts helped his back get thicker, not to mention strong and wide.
Lats. Rhomboids. Erector spinae.
***
(Here it is – the big finale you’ve been waiting for! Sing double speed…)
Now I’d like to thank y’all – for list’nen to my song.
I don’t mean to make ya’ll think bench pressin’s always wrong.
I only want to point out that there’s a whole lot more to fitness,
Fortunately for you, my friend, that’s the nature of my biz-ness!
Program design. Private consulting. Freelance writing.
***
Lyrics by “Mighty” Joe Stankowski
You Must Be Joking…
As an occasional listener of talk radio, I certainly wouldn’t want Don Imus to feel like he’s the only one can tell a joke that goes over like a lead balloon, so here’s a few fitness-biz related attempts to get your day started on the right foot.
(Now I just have to hope that this post won’t someday come back to haunt me by preventing me from working with MSNBC or CBS radio)
*** *** ***
I became a personal trainer for two reasons: 1) I had no experience waiting tables and 2) I had no interest in becoming an actor.
What’s the quickest way to teach children to count to 10?
Send them to a weekend personal training certification course
Trainer: You weigh more than 300 pounds! How can you possibly say that you’re a light eater?
Client: The moment it becomes light outside I start eating.
What’s the difference between a personal trainer and a trained monkey?
When the monkey follows you around the gym counting to 10, it only costs you a banana
Why do personal trainers charge so much?
To pay for their spandex and hair gel addictions
What’s the difference between a personal trainer and a cheerleader?
(Sadly, there often isn’t any difference and there is no punch line to this “joke”. If you can’t tell the difference on your own, it might be time to drop your Curves membership or YMCA trainer and find someone who can really help. I recommend you start your search at IDEA’s trainer locator.)
A note to other trainers, coaches & fitness buffs:
If you ever feel offended by my blog in any way, lighten up. If you can’t laugh at yourself, what’s the point of living, ya know? The rest of you with a functioning sense of humor, feel free to reply with additional jokes.
The Global Warming Solution: Stop Exercising
With each step on the treadmill and every rep at the squat rack, fitness minded people around the world are carelessly contributing to global warming and ultimately, the demise of life on earth.
If we’re to believe that we li’l ol’ humans are responsible for all the heat buildup and greenhouse gasses, one must take into consideration the effect of all those calories we’re burning at the gym, too.
Any 5th grader knows that heat rises – so it should come as no surprise when I tell you the calories you expend during your workouts go straight to the upper atmosphere where they relentlessly gnaw away at the ozone.
But it gets even worse.
Fact: people living in 3rd world countries do not have the necessary resources for gyms and personal training studios on every corner.
Fact: the majority of planet-destroying muscle is being built by fitness buffs across America and Europe and more recently, the Chinese have started putting in more time at the gym.
Do you realize the majority of earth’s muscle building population resides above the equator? In case it’s not becoming clear to you already, this top-heavy loading of our celestial home is causing the earth to tilt even further on its axis. This phenomenon is directly responsible for the intensified weather patterns we’re seeing around the globe. Hurricanes, tsunamis, earthquakes – even that gaping hole in the ozone can all be traced right back to the gym.
What can we do to restore the delicate balance of the earth? Fortunately, steps are being taken. After 15 years, Singapore is finally dropping their childhood anti-obesity program, but it’s not enough, people. It’s NOT enough!
Rather than debate the need for a fence at our border with Mexico. it would make much more sense to start an immediate exchange program with South America. For example: Give us 5 undernourished Bolivian immigrants each willing to work for $2.50 an hour and we’ll send an overweight, overpaid American lawyer. (of course, this would have the additional positive effect though the instant reduction in frivolous lawsuits, but let’s try to stay focused here, ok?)
I know – I know… if you’re thinking this is unreasonable (and possibly even offensive), you’re absolutely right.
Because of the logistical problems in sending enough XXL northerners to the southern hemisphere in time to put the earth back onto it’s proper axial tilt, the more practical solution is to stop exercising. If not for yourself, put down that barbell for your children. Plop your glutes right back down on the sofa to give your grandchildren a fighting chance. Future generations of homo sapiens need us to stop sweating, straining and consuming so many protein shakes if the human race is to have any chance at survival on this rotating rock we call home.
Someday, science may discover a way to recover some of the sweat-energy we unmercifully sling around the health clubs and use it for something benefical to all. But for now, my advice is to forego all forms of exercise and just take it easy ’til this whole global warming thing passes.
My sincere and deepest thanks go to Al Gore for taking my solution seriously and leading by example.
My hero: Oscar winner and eco-warrior, Al Gore
"Mighty" Joe Stankowski
