Women Are Always Right
You know that old saying about “if I got a dime every time somebody ___________”?
Well, I used to think if I got a small commission every time a woman expressed her fear of lifting weights simply because she thought it would make her look more man-like, I’d have enough to pay off the U.S. debt and still have enough left over to buy a couple small continents.
But apparently lifting weights really does have the potential to make some women take on male characteristics.
Just in case these pictures aren’t a fluke (or photo-shopped), I’ve already started brainstorming a formal apology to women everywhere for all the misinformation I – and my fitness industry brothers and sisters – been giving over the years. Here’s my rough notes so far. Let me know if you have any ideas how I can make this better…
Ladies of the world, I’m so sorry.
You were right all along. [women just love this crap. use this phrase frequently!]
It’s all my fault that you stayed fat when all you wanted to do was lose a measly 30 pounds in a weekend to “kickstart” your results before doing a “real” fitness program.
Those ab-sculpting videos and low-intensity ‘cardio’ classes I talked you out of really were the answer you were looking for – and I didn’t take your feelings into consideration.
I’m so stupid and feel so ashamed. [here's where I'll start doing the fake cry thing]
I’m just now seeing how special you really are. [sniffle a little bit] You were absolutely right when you told me that your body wouldn’t respond to progressive resistance training and a goal-supportive diet even though you only had a ‘cheat meal’ once – sometimes twice – a day.
The frequent cakes, cookies, muffins and wine were only ‘snacks’ and couldn’t have had anything to do with your lack of results. They were all organic. Heck, you bought ‘em from the ‘health food’ store, so they must be good for you.
I don’t know if I can ever earn back your trust…But maybe if you let me buy each and every one of you a triple-scoop frozen yogurt smothered with organic, free-trade chocolate syrup, we can try to rebuild what we once had. But I’ll lift the spoon to your mouth. We wouldn’t want you to get even bulkier from all that lifting.
When I realized you were right, I created something especially for women like you. Now I want to show you a preview of my brand new infomercial. It’s a product I call “sleeping beauty.” There’s a battery operated 1/4lb plastic weight that comes in a little, pink box with a ribbon. You put it under your pillow at night and the weight sends fat burning signals to your brain while you sleep…
CPR/AED Renewal Notes (PIC NSFW)
I finally renewed my expired CPR/AED certification. Even though this is roughly my 15th-ish time or so sitting through the cheesy videos and repetitive demonstrations of my ability (to pretend) to remove a foreign object from Rescue Anne’s mouth, I actually learned some new things… sort of.
1) The American Red Cross Adult CPR/AED cert used to be good for just one year. Now, it’s good for 2.
2) When you have a young college girl instructing for the first time, it can be incredibly entertaining to ask her questions such as “if a victim has nipple rings, do I need to remove them before placing the AED pads on their chest?” – along with “…and if so, how do I do that?” Another fun question: “How should I modify my hand position for chest compressions if a victim has breast implants that won’t ‘give’ any more than a pair of upside-down Tupperware bowls on a kitchen counter?” (neither of which she was able to answer)
- If I can’t give proper chest compressions, should I try the “motorboat” technique instead?
3) even though there’s evidence chest compressions ONLY can be more effective than rescue breaths plus chest compressions, the ARC still teaches the supposedly ‘less effective,’ up close and personal method – though they are in the process of reconsidering that position.
4) Finally, no matter how comfortable you might think it’ll be to “spoon” a limbless mannikin while you’re on the floor watching Red Cross videos, never… I repeat, NEVER do this in public.
Riding Ted Williams’ Coattails
Ted "Golden Voice" Williams
Certainly by now, you’ve heard all about Ted Williams fall and rise (and fall?) from glory. Not being one to pass up a good opportunity for shameless self-promotion, I figured if the Today Show, the Cleveland Cavaliers and umpteen other businesses are willing to ride Mr. Williams’ camouflaged coat-tails into viral-video stardom, then who the hell am I to sit here and think up my own unique marketing message to promote my new Grand Rapids personal trainer website?
After all, fame sells, baby.
It’s amazing what you can create with some cardboard, a couple of permanent markers and a camera, don’t ya’ think?
(Note to Matt Lauer & Meredith Vieira… have your people call my people and we’ll try to set up a time for me to come on your show.)
The Solution To Childhood Obesity: Shame?
Ya’ know, the answer seems so obvious after watching this ‘news’ from The Onion.
Random Facts about Joe Stankowski – Part I
I make it a habit to politely ignore productivity-killing MySpace surveys, Facebook ‘app’ invites and email chain letters (“send this post to 7 people and you’ll have the best workout of your life today”), but somehow found myself amused enough to to respond to several requests for blog/facebook ‘tag’.
The rules are always a little different, so I’ve taken it upon myself to do this one MY way.
And I’m only gonna do this ONE time, got it?
1) I can’t donate blood in the US because I lived in the UK during the mad cow outbreak.
2) I’m neither an optimist nor a pessimist. I’m a realist. It’s half a glass.
3) Beer chugging skill: I’ve been clocked at under 3 seconds for a full pint.
4) I understand the need for “personality” in marketing, but I disagree with those who use their families, especially detailed stories and photos of their children, to show that they’re ‘real’.
5) Iron Maiden fan/collector. Have the original “Soundhouse Tapes“.
6) My first ‘real job’ after leaving college early had me boiling water professionally. I worked at the UofChicago steam plant for 5 years. Don’t miss it one bit.
7) I’ve always wanted to do one of those mid-winter ‘polar bear plunge’ events, but know I’d have a heart attack and/or drown.
8) I have never lifted a kettlebell. Nor do I care to.
(update: I bought a kettlebell in 2010 and yes, I occasionally use it. But it’ll still never be as good, IMO, as a heavy set of deadlifts)
9) Yes, I ‘tweet‘. Is that so wrong?
10) I never sign checks. I autograph them.
11) I am not the dancing type. Far from it, in fact. Yet when I saw ‘Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo‘ in 1984, I KNEW I was destined to become a professional break dancer.
12) I’m frequently told I have a good voice for radio. Or was that “face”? Either way, I always welcome the opportunity to audition for voice acting gigs.
Don’t lie… You’re dying to know more, aren’t you?
The other half of my randomly useless info can be found on my Facebook page.
All I Ask Is That You Read The BOLD RED Print
Name: Ed XxXxxxxx
Email: xxxxcaptain@verizon.net
Website: [withheld out of courtesy]
I’m sorry to be rude, but is Joe drunk this morning or is he on a sugar/caffine (sic) high from that Starbucks drink? He needs to be reined in a bit.
Time: Tuesday February 10, 2009 at 7:44 am
IP Address: xx.2xx.68.66
***** ***** *****
Thanks for your email, Ed.
You are correct in that Joe has a bit of a drinking problem. We all knew it but were hoping it didn’t come across on camera the same way it does here in the studio. Since it’s obviously becoming a real problem, we plan to submit your email along with several others to the top level of management in hopes of getting this idiot fired once and for all. Of course, this may mean we’ll need to subpoena you as a witness against Joe, especially if he appeals to the FCC and/or the ACLU (which we assume he will).
Will be in touch soon.
Oh, by the way, be sure to revisit Joe’s contact page. This time, please pay particularly close attention to the BOLD RED PRINT.
Thanks again.
…Not Just A River In Egypt
If you ever find yourself putting on a few pounds, don’t even think of increasing your training intensity or saying no to that 2nd pint of ice-cream. It’s so much easier to justify your weight gain with these handy-dandy, pre-packaged excuses.
“I need the extra insulation to save on my heating bills”
“I’m preparing for a global famine”
“I’m in a “bulking” cycle”
“That’s not fat, that’s my aura”
“I enjoy swimming and could use some extra buoyancy”
Have anything to add?
Weight Loss Magic
Losing weight isn’t rocket science – it just takes a half-way decent plan and some sustained effort – but people still go to great lengths to find a short cut; and I’ve heard some real doozies.
Here are some of my favorite ‘quick fixes’ to guarantee you WON’T lose a pound.
- Sitting on your butt complaining that you can’t lose weight
- Rabbit’s foot keychains
- Magic crystals (one of my early clients really had a pocketful of “weight loss crystals” spill on the floor during a workout. It takes a lot to shock me these days.)
- Denying the existence of certain food groups
- Voodoo dolls
- Amulets, talismans and lucky coins
- Ojibwa nation dreamcatchers
- Praying the rosary
- Chicken foot charms
- Talking about losing weight
- Thinking about losing weight
Roe v Wade (well, sort of)
Keeping the political-theme alive until this election cycle finally ends later this evening (or a month from now if hanging chads make a comeback), I thought I’d tackle the issue of Roe v Wade. (I mean, why not? I’m a fitness geek – that should be enough to qualify me)
First things first: Correct the spelling to ROW v Wade.
Now that we have that out of the way, both rowing and wading (progressing to deep water running) can be excellent forms of exercise.
Case closed.
So which political issue would you like me to take on next?
Affirmative Action…
…produces best results when supported by affirmative nutrition.
(just a fancy way of saying ‘eat right & exercise’).
Now turn off your computer and go vote, will ya’?
Bodybuilder, Action Hero, Governor, Comic, American.
Thanks for coming out. Try the veal and don’t forget to tip your waitress.
“I Wanted To See If I Could”
In some ways, I find this story about a man eating a 15lb hamburger absolutely disgusting.
But on the other hand, I have to give Brad Sciullo credit for daring to show his carnivore-pride to such an extreme degree. I don’t know about you, but I think Mr. Sciullo should be given lifetime membership to PETA as part of his prize package.
Beer: The Ultimate Salad Dressing
Ok, so maybe it’s not. But it sure makes for a catchy blog post title, huh?
(Take THAT, Leigh Peele!)
Actually, on second thought, if there is anyone who knows of even the haziest bit of research suggesting the benefits of pouring an ice-cold beer on your veggies, I’d love to take a look at it (I might just be willing to sacrifice my body to science as a test subject, too!).
Open Up And Say “Ahhhhhh”
Tired of endless squats & lunges? Maybe these morsels of information will help you stop focusing on the size of your thighs…
According to this study, your big, fat tongue could contribute to sleep disordered breathing (SDB).
This website suggests observation of a tongue can provide insight to the state of your health, from your ears right down to your rectum (damn near killed ‘em!).
Since we’re on the subject of tongues, I found a site that claims to boost your speech skills through a series of exercises.
And while I like to think I’m fairly adventurous in an epicurean sort of way, the very first sentence of this recipe gives me reason to reconsider my carniverous tendencies.
(quite a cunning linguist, aren’t I?)
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to put my tongue on the treadmill.
“Let Them Eat Cake” she said…
If E really does equal mc(squared), “c” obviously represents “cake”.
My sister came up from ‘da region about a week ago armed with a treat I haven’t had in years.
Where we come from, it’s known as “ATOMIC CAKE” (presumably because your bathroom scale has a tendency to blow up after you eat it). It’s probably a good thing I haven’t been able to find it anywhere outside of our hometown.
Could THIS be what Einstein was searching for?
The Cake That Killed Fitness
Authorities are still searching for the missing piece of cake. According to eye-witnesses, there is reason to believe it’s currently located somewhere around my belly.
Mmmmmmm… now back to my regularly scheduled workout.
Rising Energy Prices
Lightning can’t even afford to strike twice even if it wanted to.
Gang-related violence is decreasing as drive-by shooters are being forced to walk to their destinations. (Hope they’re tracking their efforts with a pedometer.)
It’s only a matter of time before you can purchase a Renewable Energy Certificate because you carry your own energy supply in the form of excess bodyfat.
Even though other energy sources values continue to fluctuate, a calorie remains stable at 4.184 joules.
You Most Certainly DO Look Fat In Those Pants
Apparently, making people feel poor motivates them to buy lottery tickets, so I figured I’ll try a li’l experiment of my own and see if this idea translates to the fitness-coaching biz.
Don’t take this personal, but…
You’re fat. (yes, I mean YOU)
You’re so out of shape.
You sweat while doing absolutely nothing.
oh boy – my phone should be ringing off the hook any minute now!
You can’t make it up a flight of stairs without gasping for breath.
You’re so weak, you can’t even open a pickle jar.
I can hear the cash register now… cha-CHING!
Is that your BMI or your I.Q.?
Stay away from the beach, you’re making the tide come in, Tubby.
ummm… can I get $5 on the Powerball?
A Long Time Ago, In A Gym Far, Far Away…
It still bums me out to think that my mom gave away my entire Star Wars collection for 50 bucks when I was away at college. But when I see a video like this, it makes me think maybe (but only maybe) it was for the best.
Lifting Gloves: Fashion Statement Or A Waste of Perfectly Good Leather?
“Will my training partners think I’m a wuss if I wear ‘em?”
“Will they help my grip?”
“But what about these bleeding callouses?”
“Do these gloves make my butt look fat?”
Personally, I know that if I can’t grate a block of Parmesan cheese by dragging it across my palms, I’ve been slacking on my workouts.
Professionally, I have clients who, for one reason or another, can’t go around with calloused, bleeding hands, so I can’t always rely on my standard “don’t be a candy-ass” response when asked what I think about lifting gloves.
If you’re into powerlifting or Olympic lifting, you know that gloves aren’t allowed on the platform, so it wouldn’t make much sense for a competitive lifter to wear ‘em during training.
But what the regular guy/gal in the gym?
Perhaps a more meaningful way of looking at the glove/no-glove question for the non-competitive weight lifter is to ask: Is there a legitimate reason to NOT wear gloves?
It’s what yoga/pilates idiots freaks enthusiasts refer to as ‘mind-body connection’. The rest of us can just lump it under the category of “proprioceptive awareness”.
Call it whatever you like, but gloves dampen your body’s natural ability to FEEL. And that sense of feeling is something I certainly wouldn’t want to lose.
What you feel determines how quickly and accurately you can react to sudden (or not so sudden) changes in pressure, direction, ‘grippy-ness’ or any other forces that may come into play in and out of the gym.
If grip is your concern, try lifting chalk (magnesium carbonate – it’s available at sporting goods stores everywhere. If all else fails, search the web)
The shifting/rolling/sliding of a bar might not be a big deal if you’re using those little weights covered with pink foam, but any serious weight trainer should consider weaning themselves from their glove dependency.
Of course, the first consideration of any training program should be safety. So if you absolutely feel there’s no way you’ll be able hang on to a bar/dumbbell or any other training implement effectively without gloves, go ahead ‘n’ wear ‘em if you like. I won’t be offended. (see, I told you I have a professional side!)
If your biggest concern is overly rugged hands, you can always soak in Palmolive after your workout (ya’ big candy-ass).
***** ***** *****
I won’t bore you with the details of my extremely limited blog posting for the last month or so (yet!), but it sure feels good to be back to THE CUP. Suffice it to say, changes are on the way. More to come…
I Am Nothing If Not An American
I pledge allegiance
To my home gym
(The one down in the basement)
To the personal progress
And dumbbell stands,
Power rack with safety rods.
It’s incredible.
For deadlifts and squats…for all.
Last Minute Shopping Again, eh’ Bub?
Mother’s Day is only a few days away and I’ve been kind of lax on posting lately, so to make it up to you, I scoured the Internet for at least a full 2 minutes (probably closer to 3, but I don’t want to come across as some kind of a liar) to compile a list of birthstones for you rare gift giving types who also happen to read my blog (even MORE rare, indeed).
Apparently, at some point in time (maybe around 1912?) someone decided the ‘traditional’ stones weren’t good enough, so there are modern alternatives… Personally, I don’t understand any of it. What’s wrong with just buying your mom a gift card to Home Depot and a 6-pack of Milwaukee’s Best?
Like anything on the web, there are differing opinions about which gems belong on the “official” list, so each month will have at least two listed.
January – Garnet/Roze Quartz
February – Amethyst/Onyx
March – Aquamarine/Bloodstone/Jasper
April – Diamond/Rock Crystal/Sapphire
May– Emerald/Chrysoprase/Agate
June– Alexandrite/Moonstone/Pearl
July– Ruby/Carnelion/Onyx
August– Peridot/Sardonyx
September – Sapphire/Lapis
October – Opal/Tourmaline
November – Topaz/Citrine
December –Tanzanite/Zircon/Turquoise
Anyway, to minimize any confusion in the future, I have compiled a similar (yet strangely different) list of my own. Feel free to refer to this as the new standard when you just don’t know what else to do.
January – Deadlift
February – Deadlift
March – Deadlift
April – Deadlift
May – Deadlift
June – Deadlift
July – Deadlift
August – Deadlift
September – Deadlift
October – Deadlift
November – Deadlift
December – Deadlift
Happy mother’s day. Mind if I grab a beer from your fridge, Mom?
The Best Diet Aid Ever?
Zero fat
Zero carbs
Zero calories
Introducing the Duct Tape Diet…
Instructions:
- Remove 1-2 strips of ‘space age dieting material’ (approximately 4-6″ in length)
- Place across mouth. Press firmly to ensure no gaps.
- Go exercise
Disclaimer:
This product is not intended to replace proper medical advice. Before starting any diet or exercise plan, check with your doctor.
To order, pay just $49.95 and I’ll throw in a second roll absolutely FREE.
PLUS, FREE SHIPPING WORLD WIDE.
Think there’s a real market for my ‘solution’ to obesity? Potential investors can contact me through this site.
Back Waxing and the Modern Neanderthal
Boron = Moron?
It started back when I was about 17. Boron was being touted as the ‘new miracle supplement’ – it was said to ‘increase testosterone levels’.
I’ve already been weight training for 5 years and figured “what the hell?” It’s about time I try something a little stronger than a multi-vitamin.
While I can’t say I actually got stronger because of the boron, as soon as the hair started growing on my shoulders and back, I assumed it was doing something – and that was good enough for me. At least there was a visual “return” on my investment (more than I can say for the multi-vits).
Soon after, I learned that the boron studies were done on post-menopausal women and their testosterone increases were negligible at best (of course, they wouldn’t put that fine print on the bottle at GNC).
I quickly stopped taking the supplement du jour for fear of going into early man-opause (buh-duh-DUM! Try the veal – I’m here all weekend. Be sure to tip your waitress…) Maybe my youthful man-fur was just a carry-over from my cave-dwelling ancestors, triggered by puberty. Surely it’ll stop as soon as this phase of my life is behind me, right?
Almost 20 years later…
Having lived with my personal (and continually expanding) wool sweater for all this time, being a sensitive, new age kind of guy, earlier this week I had another one of those “what the hell?” moments of inspiration.
This time… waxing.
Going Undercover
Delaware really is a small town and I seriously contemplated crossing the state line to hide my secret plans from anyone who might know me. After an hour of driving around, scouting out possible locations to have the last ounce of my pride ripped from my flesh, I found the perfect place.
It was tucked away behind a Starbucks; right next to a sandwich shop. Surely I won’t bump into anyone I know here.
I asked the woman at the front desk if they were equipped to handle me – a first timer. She assured me lots of guys have this done. But I never thought I’d be one of THOSE guys.
As I paced back and forth waiting for the back-hair-ripping-specialist, I noticed an ambulance pulled up to the entrance. I immediately assumed they were on standby mode for me – just in case. Turns out, they were only going to the sandwich shop.
After a 40 minute wait (my god! what kind of problems must the person before me have to deal with?), my wax-er (is that what they’re called?) came out. She looked at me and said, “Joe? Do you remember me?”
Yep. Former client. I helped her get in shape for her wedding a couple years ago.
“I…I…I thought you worked in a BANK???”, I stammered.
So much for laying low.
Janet told me how skin was her real passion and she got out of the financial world to help people look and feel better about themselves (I can see how high interest rates and late payments could have the opposite effect).
R-value: 13
Slightly uncomfortable reintroduction aside, the actual hair removal wasn’t so bad. I have a few tattoos and waxing reminded me of the dull, burning feeling you get after a few hours getting inked. It’s a much stranger feeling to have my shirt and skin in direct contact. It’s also surprising how much of an insulative value body hair has to offer. We’re having a mild winter, but now I feel a bit of a chill coming in from behind me. Next time I’ll be sure to plan my waxing appointment around the long-term weather forecast.
Wax on, Wax off. Don’t Even Go There
After she removed the final remnants of my dignity (and hair), Janet put some kind of a “calming” gel on my skin.
I have a feeling it’s the reason I’ve been dealing with a pimple breakout on my back for the last couple of days. Maybe it’s just a normal reaction for a first timer, but I suspect Janet added something extra to make me think twice before scheduling a Brazilian wax.
"Mighty" Joe Stankowski
