by "Mighty" Joe Stankowski, all-around-good-guy.

Joe's Random Thought of the Moment:

You gonna eat that?

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Personal Trainer Pricing

While I do still work with the occasional ‘one-off’ client, it’s been several years since I’ve promoted my own personal training services by the traditional “hourly” model.

Initially, one of the reasons I switched to more of a ‘monthly membership’ – or ‘program design’ model was because it was just different enough from what every other trainer was offering – and in a market flooded with “experts,” any point of differentiation can’t hurt.

Besides, how much longer can we – as an industry – expect people to pay us to follow them around a gym while we ‘expertly’ count to 10?

In fact, I now go so far as to provide that level of personal counting training for free – it’s what I call the “toy in the cereal box”.  I’ve come the realization that the real value isn’t in my ability to count accurately (or lack of that ability, as my clients will surely agree!) – but in designing and supporting “big picture”  programs and processes that get ‘em from where they are now to where they want to be in the next month – or 2 – or 3.

To explain my coaching process very simply: I can be the GPS, but you will always be the one who needs to step on the gas and turn the wheel. If obstacles come up (and they always do), I can often recalculate the route so you’ll end up in the same place, but you STILL need to do the driving.

WHEN DO “HOURLY RATES” MAKE SENSE?
If you’re a mechanic, charging by the hour can work (though I’d suggest garage owners would be wise to consider offering a monthly/annual maintenance & repair membership program, too, but I digress…)

The auto repair industry has standardized labor guides in which one can determine just how long it should take to replace an alternator on a 2011 BMW or the flux capacitor in a 1981 Delorean DMC-12.  The car doesn’t get to choose why, when, how or where the repair gets done – or if it gets done at all – but the fact that there are standard expectations makes it easy (and perhaps even logical) to sell such services by the hour. As long as the annoying ‘service engine’ light is off when you collect your vehicle, all’s-well-that-ends-well.

The problem with selling personal training by the hour is that individual goals, experience, level of commitment and a plethora of other variables can be completely different from one trainee to the next.  A single strategy might take one client/member a brief chat to understand, accept and implement. The same strategy might take another months – if it’s even an appropriate strategy!  There are no standard guides to follow that allow us to provide a meaningful ‘hourly’ rate. Can a person lose 10 pounds in a month? Sure. Can you lose 10 pounds in 6 months? Absolutely.

While your car doesn’t have any say-so in its repairs, YOU ultimately have to make every decision from the time you decide to hire a trainer – or buy a book/video – or choose to do-it-yourself… or stay as you are and do nothing at all. YOU have to decide the best way to acquire the goal-supportive foods/supplements that’ll move you closer to your fitness goals. YOU have to consume, digest and eliminate the waste of said food. YOU have to get enough sleep. YOU have to control the rise and fall of your own iron. With so much dependent on what YOU do, do you really want ME or any other trainer to charge for personal training “by the hour”???

I (and all of my fit-biz brothers and sisters) can only teach, persuade, educate and direct.  Unless (and until) you make the decision to systematically put your nose to the grindstone, shopping for “personal-training-by-the-hour” can only be a short term band-aid that may make you feel good… but what is the VALUE in that?

Okay, so maybe KITT can pick which garage it goes to for repairs…

Posted by  |  January 3, 2012 | Categories: Joe, Serious-talk, Websites | Tags: , , , | 2 Comments »

Grand Rapids Personal Trainer TV Show

Ok, so this post should probably be titled “Calvin College TV Show” – but since one of their media production classes (CAS250) asked me to help ‘em with a li’l project this semester, and I was the host of the fitness-themed show – I s’pose it’s just as fair to call it the Grand Rapids Personal Trainer show, too. ;-)

Anyway, over the past couple of months, I developed content for SEVENTEEN 10-minute episodes of a show titled “Beltline Construction” – a double-entendre those familiar with Grand Rapids geography will no doubt understand.

More to the point, below is a brief teaser/highlight reel from the project. I’ll be posting individual episodes at my GRPT site soon and will post some additional “fan page” exclusive content HERE. (“Like” it so you don’t miss a beat)

Have a happy festivus and a “mighty” 2012!

Now on with the show…

[Oh... and a HUGE thanks to my hard-rockin' musician buddy Mark E. Johnson from Pennsville, NJ for allowing us to use the 'training tune' in the show!)

Posted by  |  December 22, 2011 | Categories: Joe, Media, Television, Websites | Tags: , , , , , | Leave A Comment »

A Letter From A Personal Trainer

Yesterday, I met with a new client with a few challenges – and I’m opening my follow-up email to you.  Personally identifying specifics have been omitted or changed to protect the innocent, but since I know many of my readers are trainers and/or fitness enthusiasts who also have challenges to work with/through/around – and this was such an interesting guy to work with – I invite you to add additional comments, critiques, questions or the usual random insults I’d expect from someone who’s willing to read through my caffeine-inspired (although I still remain diet coke free since Oct 2010!) ramblings.  ;-)

First, a little background: he’s dealing with weakness brought on by a traumatic injury to his wrist, elbow and shoulder (all the same side, same injury) ~40 years ago.  Countless surgical procedures later, he’s still limited in strength and range of motion -  as one might expect after such a serious “boo-boo.”

Next, a former competitive triathlete, he has “bad knees.” After working my mojo(e) with some basic movement/strength assessments, it’d seem that he has what McGill referred to as “gluteal amnesia” – or the term that I apply to ANY muscles that aren’t getting the right signals from mission control: ‘muscle dormancy’.  Those muscles are still there… they just need to ‘wake the f*ck up’ (to paraphrase Chris Rock.)  Since his glutes aren’t holding up their part of the deal, his knees are getting the kind of repetitive stress that all those “Unbreakable” combs did when handed out amongst my 4th grade class many years ago. (c’mon… if you were 10 and somebody handed you something branded as ‘unbreakable,’ wouldn’t you recognize that as a challenge?!)

Add to this the lack of any SPECIFIC goal other than to become “optimum” (seriously, I couldn’t peg him down to ANY goal – even with all the prodding, guiding, questioning I could muster – yet he’s been training 2.5 hours EVERY day like clockwork.)  While I certainly commend his dedication to the practice of training, without any specific goals, how could we ever know if training is getting us closer to an “optimum” state?  As I’ve said more than once, random efforts can only produce random results.  This meeting/consulting session opened up quite the thought-provoking, philosophical – and dare I say fun – dialogue that you’ll no doubt see forms the philosophical theme of my follow-up to him.

He’s well-versed in the basics, seemed to accept my analogies – and even though we made some significant progress in just one meeting, I could tell that my “modern approach” challenged his core beliefs of fitness to a point that seemed as if THAT made him a bit uncomfortable.

Oh, and he’s an out-of-towner so it’s not like I’d be able to oversee every minute detail of his new-and-improved training plan (not that I’d necessarily need to,anyway), so this one-off consult includes the additional challenge of addressing the most important concepts that’ll help him make the kind of (yet-to-be-defined) progress he wants – and have enough resources available to refer back to – when he returns to his fully-stocked home gym far, far away.

Hopefully, you’ll be able to fill in the gaps (since I frequently refer to conversation points from our meeting that aren’t directly obvious from my notes.)  And as I mentioned earlier, feel free to share your own constructive critiques, additional questions, etc… I’d imagine “Client X” will read this, too, so if you have something useful or otherwise thought-provoking to offer, I’m sure we’ll all appreciate it.

Now I’ll let my follow-up do the talking.  Hope ya’ll can keep up!

-Joe-

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Client X,

Ok… so my pocket-answer to “how does one get in shape?” is the same as any of our grandmothers might’ve told us: eat right and exercise.

What this really means is, “how can I get from where I am to where I want to be?”  - so my job is to translate ‘eat right and exercise’ into a language that matches the individual’s goals, timelines, abilities/limitations, interests, available resources and experience to help them get WHERE THEY WANT TO BE.

In the book, Facts and Fallacies of Fitness (by Mel C. Siff – one of my early mentors through his Supertraining newsgroup and books), Dr. Siff defines fitness as “the ability to execute a given task effectively and safely.” I s’pose I’d define fitness even more simply as ‘the ability to perform work.’

How much work?  What kind of task?

Well, that depends on YOUR needs – which bring us right back to the Lance Armstrong/Asashōryū Akinori comparison.  Both could be considered among the very best at performing their chosen “work,” yet if you put Armstrong in the sumo ring or Akinori on a bicycle, either of ‘em would be lucky if they even received a “certificate of participation” at the end of a competition.  “Fitness” is specific, therefore, training to become “optimal” one MUST have a specific desired outcome.

One of the fundamental concepts of “fitness” is known as the SAID principle… Specific Adaptations to Imposed Demands.  Demands could also be referred to as “stimulus” – adaptations are the response.  How we choose and apply the stimulus affects the level of response we should expect to see.

So unless and until you can recognize/identify/articulate a specific goal it’s gonna be impossible to determine which training stimulus we need to apply, how much, how often, at what intensity, etc…

Because your only immediate goal is to continue doing “something” (to the tune of 15-17hrs/week) that will move you closer towards “optimal” – but only in a “general” sense – I’ll address the 3 common components of “general fitness” one at a time.

STRENGTH – call it weight training, resistance training, pumping iron or whatever else you’d like, the main reason (some would argue the ONLY reason) we use resistance is as a stimulus to increase strength.  Therefore, if you’re not pushing the envelope to get progressively stronger, you’re not really ‘strength training,’ are you?  It gets even trickier when one considers the many different types of strength: maximal strength, relative strength, speed-strength, acceleration strength, strength-endurance, etc…  Which type is “most general”??? Beats the hell outta me!

ENDURANCE – This article provides an introduction to the 3 metabolic pathways.  We need one kind of endurance to sprint 100m/perform a one-rep max squat, a different kind of endurance to run 400m (or a P90X circuit training workout) and yet another kind of endurance to tackle a triathlon.  To me, this what ‘cross-training’ is… NOT switching between walking, running, biking, stair-climbing, etc. – all done at the same relative intensity/duration.  One could effectively “cross-train” with a single activity (let’s say a spinning bike, for example) by varying intensity, distance, time, etc. from one workout to the next.  Of course, I’d ALSO like to get away from lower body, sagittal plane dominant exercise as your ONLY form of “cardio” training, but let’s address one issue at a time, shall we?

Restated, there is no “general” endurance.  As far as I’m concerned, we can get all the “cardio” we need by manipulating the rest intervals and exercise selection during your strength training.  This kills two birds with one stone (as the saying goes.)  Of course, this kind of time-efficiency would cut deeply into your current approach of 15+ hrs of training each week – bringing training time down to 2.5 to 5 total hours (gasp!), so what else can we do increase your (perceived or real) training volume?

Long, slow distance (LSD) training *may* be appropriate during certain phases of training… as may high intensity interval training (HIIT).. or anything in between.  But we STILL need that specific target to aim for before just working out for the sake of working out.

I believe it was Alice (in wonderland) who asked the rabbit, “which way should I go?” The rabbit replied with something to the effect of “if you don’t care where you end up, the way you go doesn’t really matter.”

FLEXIBILITY –Static stretching? Active-isolation? PNF? Dynamic? Contract-relax? There are many ways to ‘stretch’ – but are we more interested in active or passive range of motion? (after significantly increasing your shoulder range of motion in about 5 minutes without ANY ‘stretching,’ I’m sure you know which side of the fence I’m on!)

My thought process regarding flexibility can best be summarized by a series of questions that goes something like this:

1)      do you have the ability to function effectively in your sport/activity/lifestyle and still have pain-free movement to spare?

2)      if no – is any limitation/tightness serving a protective function against instability?  (remember, stability proceeds mobility, so we can *usually* assume the answer is a resounding YES!)

3)      WHY ON EARTH would we want to over-ride or otherwise bypass an evolved protective mechanism that’s much smarter than I am?

Because I have to operate under the presumption that “tightness” may in fact serve a very important purpose, I’m morally and professionally obligated to present you with TWO options:

1. Suggest that we allow your body to protect itself from further damage and continue the predictable pain/tightness cycle – UNTIL it gets so unbearable, you give up and seek surgical/medicinal options that may or may not address the actual CAUSE of the discomfort/limitation.

OR

2. determine which muscle(s) are weak/inhibited, causing the ‘tight’ muscle to work overtime to pick up the slack – then address that WEAKNESS. (since “diagnosis” and “treatment” are out of my jurisdiction, if determining your length/strength relationships goes beyond my own capabilities/scope of practice, all I could do then is return to option A but instead of waiting until the inevitable “breaking point”, I’d suggest you find someone better qualified to work with your particular limitations – one who could address the cause of tightness, not just the ‘symptoms’)

Now if you really want to entertain yourself on the principles behind the techniques I use, try googling “reciprocal inhibition” (and then send me a 2 page book report with your findings/follow-up questions!)

Better yet, find a Muscle Activation Techniques (MAT) therapist in your area.  The techniques they use are even MORE efficient – and effective – than the approach I work with.   Go to http://www.muscleactivation.com/main.html –> about –> finding a specialist (or –> ‘science behind’ if you want more info on how the system works its mojo)

Also, take a gander through “The Trigger Point Therapy Workbook” (Davies & Davies) and/or search YouTube for vids on Self-myofascial release (using a foam roll, lacrosse ball, etc.)

Nutritionally, I recommend the systematic approach of Dr. John Berardi’s “Precision Nutrition.” You can purchase the do-it-yourself ‘kit’ for about a hundred bucks; join one of JB’s lean eating coaching programs/contests (I think he’s been running this a couple times a year) or you may even consider my own basic and advanced personal nutrition coaching options (I was among the first dozen or so people to complete the Precision Nutrition Level 1 certification, so even though I’m no biochemist, this certainly wouldn’t be my first time at the rodeo!)

Other issues/concepts we discussed:

Calorie cycling – although I’d consider it more of an advanced technique and I’d really like to see you master the 5 basic habits FIRST, you do already seem to have a respectable grasp of basic nutritional concepts, so you may be able to get away with taking a ‘shortcut.’  Essentially, take your current 2000cal/day intake as an AVERAGE over a week, not a daily “absolute.”  At the end of the week, you’ve still taken in the same 14,000 calories, but by running couple days could be at a deficit, a couple at maintenance and a couple at a surplus, you’re now manipulating the stimulus that can produce change.

Your body will always seek a level of homeostasis (read: maintaining the status quo.)  Without variations in expenditure (through training & lifestyle related activity) and intake (read: the calories/nutrients you consume), our bodies will ultimately adapt to the stimulus provided and have no reason to move towards “optimal”… instead, you’ll move AWAY from optimal.  Of course, I’d suggest STRATEGIC and MEASURABLE variations (as opposed to random ones), but this brings us right back to the sticking point of not having any specific goal(s) to work towards!

There are 3 basic variables to nutrition: HOW MUCH you eat, WHAT you eat and WHEN you eat.  Change one or more variables, you change the outcome.  It sounds like you have all 3 variables locked in to your day-to-day routine.  My suggestion: start by focusing on just ONE of ‘em… and from what you told me, I’d start with WHAT you eat first  (this is a nice segue into my next thought…)

If you’re going to insist on training 15+hours/week AND you’re also going to consume a diet that consists of little more than whey protein powder, yogurt and diet coke (the recipe for the ‘gruel’ in THE MATRIX?), because you’re not providing alkaline (base) producing foods in the form of fruits and veggies, your body is left with no option but to break down the lean mass you’re working so hard to build/maintain, both for repair and to balance out your acids/bases. There’s a lot of alkalinity stored in the form of bone, connective tissue & muscle that your body will need to “eat”… t’would certainly be a shame to ‘wash it all away’ simply because buying/prepping/storing/eating vegetables is “inconvenient,” wouldn’t you agree?

Since you do have 15 hours each week to dedicate towards becoming “generally optimum,” you might want to consider counting food acquisition (shopping? gardening?), preparation and storage as part of your ‘time served.’  Remember, grandma said it best: eat right and exercise.  It doesn’t need to be rocket science, but to cause an adaptation response, we need to apply stimulus, recover (adapt), apply a NEW/greater stimulus… and so on. Doing the same thing all the time is a road map to take you backwards, not forwards.

 

 

Both of these guys could be considered “optimal” at different tasks.

Which is MORE optimal?

How do YOU define ‘optimal’?

 

Posted by  |  December 7, 2011 | Categories: Joe, Opinions are like…, Serious-talk | Tags: , , , , , , , | Leave A Comment »

Grrrrrr…. A Rant About Multi-Level Marketing “Opportunities”

This one’s especially for my fellow fitness/health industry pros…

In your work with weight loss and/or sports performance clients, I assume you’re already giving ‘em some variation of the standard recommendation to “eat right.”  I also assume you’re even helping them understand what that seemingly simple advice actually means.  You may even be recommending a few supplements to help make “eating right” a little easier (perhaps through an affiliate program?)

I’m even going to go out on a limb and assume your clients are at least as smart as mine and realize that our body’s preferred source of nutrients is actual FOOD – and NOT shakes, powders, pills or potions.

Just last week, one of my trusted colleagues pointed me in the direction of a meal delivery service that is NOT loaded with cheap fillers (read: pasta/rice/flour.) It’s also NOT a mass-market “T.V. dinner” (such as the latest crop of ‘jenny craigs’ and ‘weight watchers’ knockoffs.)  The menu options consist primarily of proteins and veggies. The same things I suggest my own clients base their own “diets” on.

My first instinct whenever someone tells me about any program that “sounds too good to be true” is that it must be another Multi-Level Marketing program (argggh!)

Even though I’ve been living in the middle of MLM-central for the last 3 years now (Amway started in a neighboring suburb of Grand Rapids, MI) – I don’t care if you’re selling solid gold bars straight from Fort Knox – if it’s being sold via an MLM business model, there MUST be something wrong with it.  There have been too many less-than-legit “opportunities” over the years, that it has long been my hard-and-fast policy to completely turn my attention away at the first signs of a “ponzi scheme” no matter how much better the product is than sliced bread.

“But I’ve got the cure for cancer!“  MLM? fuggeddaboudit.

“What if I give you a free sample of this magic fat loss dust?” Not interested. In fact, why don’t you hang up on yourself before I do?

There’s just something about the MLM model that doesn’t sit well with me – and I suspect it’s the same thing many of my clients have alluded to when discussing such “solutions” over the years. Now I’ll try to articulate what I *think* many of us have been feeling…

While I’m certainly not against the idea of profit, it seems that most (if not ALL) MLM-ers put their personal want for money above any sense that they should ALSO be delivering a product/service.

Let me restate this: I’m all for making as much moo-lah as you personally care to, but not at the expense of ‘selling out’ the same trust you work so hard to build as a PROFESSIONAL in your field.  The difference between “greed” and “good business” is motive.  Because the “downline” is usually positioned as “the key to great riches,” MLM-ers motive always seems a little to self-serving to me.

That said, there are several excellent “single-tier” affiliate programs I whole-heartedly buy in to. It should go without saying (but I’ll say it anyway, in case there was any doubt), the products also have to be of top-quality for me to even consider putting my MIGHTY JOE ‘seal of approval’ on ‘em.  I don’t expect any of ‘em to help me “get rich quick.” Instead, I view them as resources that may help a certain number of my clients, prospects, readers, neighbors, friends or family.  Any commissions I happen to make because I promote them is a bonus.  Some months, this might be as little as a couple hundred bucks while other months reach into the thousands.  My CORE business is fitness program design and coaching.  When I find existing resources that support or compliment my the coaching principles I use – and they don’t have that “taboo” label of MLM on ‘em – I think it would be awfully silly if I didn’t at least look into promoting it even if it means I might actually profit (gasp!) from it, too.

So getting to the point, the aforementioned meal delivery service that appears to be an EXCELLENT match with the nutrition principles I teach (and I assume you do, too, in whole or in part) has a single-tier affiliate program.  You can check it out at Personal Trainer Food.

I certainly don’t have all the answers about the program, but I did sit in on one of their daily webinars (along with another well known fit-biz pro – and I think it’s fair to say that he’s AT LEAST as skeptical as I am about these things) – and all I can say is that if you don’t at least do a little research into this unique service (did I mention it’s free to join?), you may be doing your customers a huge dis-service by giving ‘em good advice (‘eat right’) but no practical solution to make it work.

Posted by  |  October 17, 2011 | Categories: Joe, Opinions are like…, Websites | Tags: , , , | 1 Comment »

The Answer to Virtually Every Exercise Question

How many more reps should I do?

How far should I squat/press/lunge/move?

How much weight should I use?

How fast should I go?

All (and more) can be answered by an ever-so-easy-to-remember acronym, but first, the back story…

For nearly 10 years, I relied on the much more challenging PFROMASTYCC (pain free range of motion and speed that you can control) to answer the most common questions my fitness coaching clients would ask me.  Yes, I knew the original acronym was ugly and hard to remember – my clients made sure I knew that – but it worked.

Over the years, I challenged many of my fit-biz friends to help me develop a ‘prettier’ acronym to get the same message across.  I asked experts such as Stephen Holt (ACE Personal Trainer of the Year), Alwyn Cosgrove (co-author of “The New Rules of Lifting” series), Bill Hartman (known to industry insiders as ‘the smartest guy in the fitness industry’) and a slew of others.

All agreed that it does indeed get the message across, but it wasn’t so easy on the eyes (or ears, for that matter.)

[side note: I've always pronounced it FRAHM-iss-tyke, with a silent "P". Stephen Holt recently told me he says pee-fro-MASS-tik]

Together, the best any of ‘em could come up with was PROMISE – the “-ISE” represented something along the lines of “Intensity you can Safely Execute” and PROMOTE – “…Optimal Technical Execution”.

I rejected these alternatives on the grounds that the word “Execution” sounded too terminal – it gave me visions of standing blindfolded with my back against a wall in front of a firing squad in some third world country.

And I wasn’t keen on using “Intensity” or “Optimal” since both can be confusing and/or intimidating to those who may be a bit newer to this whole “fitness thing.”

But on a Sunday afternoon in May (yesterday to be precise), in a crowded Kansas City airport at the end of the 2011 Fitness Summit, I had a chance to kick back and talk shop with Lou Schuler (the other half of “The New Rules…” books.)

I figured, who better than an award-winning fitness journalist, and MC of the Fitness Summit I just attended to run my wicked step-sister ugly acronym past and see if he could succeed where others have fallen short.  Worst case scenario, I still have PFROMASTYCC.

Apparently not the kind of guy to turn down a challenge, in the masterful way a championship Scrabble player would shuffle tiles around looking for the combination that will score maximum points, Lou rearranged letters while I continued explaining the full intent of my original acronym.  After 10 minutes or so, somewhere out of the alphabet-soup tinted fog scribbled on his notebook, PROM DATE appeared.  Now the challenge was to fill in the blanks and see if the suit would actually fit.

PROM was obviously the easy part: Painless Range Of Motion…

Having been down a similar road before, I was still concerned that we would end up with yet another ‘almost there’ acronym that ended with the life-ending phrase, “technical execution.”

The exact details are kind of a blur (the Fitness Summit was a blast, and sleep wasn’t as plentiful as usual), but the way I remember it, Lou tossed a few words around and then put ‘Demonstrating’ on the table.

I quickly fired back with “Acceptable.”

But what can be done with the final ‘TE’?

After a series of overly-loud announcements blasted through the airport’s PA system, Lou looked up over his glasses and asked, “Why not just use both letters for ‘TEchnique’”?

Painless
Range
Of
Motion
Demonstrating
Acceptable
TEchnique

Bingo! I’ve been working on this for a decade and in less than half an hour, PFROMASTYCC finally got its much needed makeover.

“Acceptable TEchnique” can always be debated, and every coach/trainer will have his or her own interpretations of what constitutes ‘acceptable’. But I coach my clients to work at the level of “good that gets done is better than perfect that doesn’t.”  I find it much more effective to focus on actually doing the exercise than worrying about every little detail. Paralysis by analysis does not a lean, strong, healthy body make.

Low-load and no-load exercises can allow for more wiggle-room. The closer one gets to their maximal effort, the tighter the technique has to be for safety and efficiency of movement.

Think about the last time you dropped your car keys.  Did you set up in neutral spine, feet shoulder width, toes slightly out and sit back into a deep squat keeping your torso and tibias parallel to each other?  Of course not. You did what we all do: you hunched over like a Texas Armadillo and snatched the keys up off the floor.  Far from a ‘perfect’ squat, but mission accomplished, right?  Now if you did the same back-rounding, key-snatching movement with several hundred pounds on your back, there’s a good chance you’ll be making payments on your local back surgeon’s vacation home.

As long as a trainee works ‘within tolerance’ – an attention to technique dictated by their abilities, goals and training intensity – PROM DATE serves to minimize risk of injury while allowing maximum efforts – and results.

I’ll always remember PFROMASTYCC fondly, but am happy to put her to rest.  PROM DATE just makes more sense.

Posted by  |  May 16, 2011 | Categories: Joe, Serious-talk | Tags: , , , , | 2 Comments »

Women Are Always Right

You know that old saying about “if I got a dime every time somebody ___________”?

Well, I used to think if I got a small commission every time a woman expressed her fear of lifting weights simply because she thought it would make her look more man-like, I’d have enough to pay off the U.S. debt and still have enough left over to buy a couple small continents.

But apparently lifting weights really does have the potential to make some women take on male characteristics.

Just in case these pictures aren’t a fluke (or photo-shopped), I’ve already started brainstorming a formal apology to women everywhere for all the misinformation I – and my fitness industry brothers and sisters – been giving over the years. Here’s my rough notes so far. Let me know if you have any ideas how I can make this better…

Ladies of the world, I’m so sorry.

You were right all along.  [women just love this crap. use this phrase frequently!]

It’s all my fault that you stayed fat when all you wanted to do was lose a measly 30 pounds in a weekend to “kickstart” your results before doing a “real” fitness program.

Those ab-sculpting videos and low-intensity ‘cardio’ classes I talked you out of really were the answer you were looking for – and I didn’t take your feelings into consideration.

I’m so stupid and feel so ashamed. [here's where I'll start doing the fake cry thing]

I’m just now seeing how special you really are. [sniffle a little bit] You were absolutely right when you told me that your body wouldn’t respond to progressive resistance training and a goal-supportive diet even though you only had a ‘cheat meal’ once – sometimes twice – a day.

The frequent cakes, cookies, muffins and wine were only ‘snacks’ and couldn’t have had anything to do with your lack of results. They were all organic. Heck, you bought ‘em from the ‘health food’ store, so they must be good for you.

I don’t know if I can ever earn back your trust…But maybe if you let me buy each and every one of you a triple-scoop frozen yogurt smothered with organic, free-trade chocolate syrup, we can try to rebuild what we once had. But I’ll lift the spoon to your mouth. We wouldn’t want you to get even bulkier from all that lifting.

When I realized you were right, I created something especially for women like you. Now I want to show you a preview of my brand new infomercial. It’s a product I call “sleeping beauty.”  There’s a battery operated 1/4lb plastic weight that comes in a little, pink box with a ribbon. You put it under your pillow at night and the weight sends fat burning signals to your brain while you sleep…

Posted by  |  April 19, 2011 | Categories: Humor, Joe, Tasteless | Tags: , , | 1 Comment »

CPR/AED Renewal Notes (PIC NSFW)

I finally renewed my expired CPR/AED certification. Even though this is roughly my 15th-ish time or so sitting through the cheesy videos and repetitive demonstrations of my ability (to pretend) to remove a foreign object from Rescue Anne’s mouth, I actually learned some new things… sort of.

1) The American Red Cross Adult CPR/AED cert used to be good for just one year. Now, it’s good for 2.

2) When you have a young college girl instructing for the first time, it can be incredibly entertaining to ask her questions such as “if a victim has nipple rings, do I need to remove them before placing the AED pads on their chest?” – along with “…and if so, how do I do that?” Another fun question: “How should I modify my hand position for chest compressions if a victim has breast implants that won’t ‘give’ any more than a pair of upside-down Tupperware bowls on a kitchen counter?” (neither of which she was able to answer)

If I can’t give proper chest compressions, should I try the “motorboat” technique instead?

3) even though there’s evidence chest compressions ONLY can be more effective than rescue breaths plus chest compressions, the ARC still teaches the supposedly ‘less effective,’ up close and personal method – though they are in the process of reconsidering that position.

4) Finally, no matter how comfortable you might think it’ll be to “spoon” a limbless mannikin while you’re on the floor watching Red Cross videos, never… I repeat, NEVER do this  in public.

Posted by  |  February 4, 2011 | Categories: Humor, Joe, Tasteless | Tags: , , , , , | Leave A Comment »

A Six Minute Workout?

Getting back on track with my previous Vision Quest themed posts… It ain’t about “going to work out.” It’s what HAPPENS when you work out.

Why all the Vision Quest references lately? You’ll have to follow me on my FB “fan page” to find out…

Posted by  |  February 1, 2011 | Categories: Joe, Motivation, Video | Tags: , , , , | Leave A Comment »

Steroids In Pro Sports: You Know You Want It

Here’s the deal: I think politicians should keep their noses out of professional sports. Isn’t there anything more important they can do to waste their time (and OUR money?)

I also believe the way a responsible adult chooses to “enhance” performance is a personal choice, and if an individual feels the potential for benefit outweighs the potential for risk, well, who the hell am I – or you – to tell him otherwise?

Not that I condone, endorse, recommend, prescribe or otherwise assist in the acquisition or use of any illegal substances – including anabolic-androgenic steroids or growth hormone, but when it comes to professional sports, the fact is, there’s a LOT of money at stake (mmmmm… steak), and you might be surprised (if you’re naive enough) to learn what people are willing to do to get a piece of the action.

While the media/public-at-large typically speak against performance enhancement in the public forum, the reality is that very few people will shell out hundreds – even thousands – of dollars to plant their carcass in a seat at their favorite team’s stadium for 3 hours and pay upwards of $10 for a beer if the players/entertainers are anything less than caricatures of ‘regular’ humans.

If ever-increasing signing bonuses and multi-million dollar contracts are any indicator of the truth, we clearly want our superheros to be larger/faster/stronger than life, whether you’re willing to admit it or not.

Just last week, I was live on WJRW (1340am) discussing this reality (and so much more) with Tim Doctor and Josh Leng.

I can’t say just how long the podcasts will be up and running, but I invite you to listen in as I offend Chicago Bears fans, sports “purists”, ugly women and anybody else who doesn’t feel exactly as I do. So hurry yo’self over to this 2 part interview and let me know your thoughts on the subject…

Part 1

Part 2

Posted by  |  January 31, 2011 | Categories: interview, Joe, Media, Opinions are like… | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | Leave A Comment »

Motivation

What are you doing right NOW to get you closer to your goals?

…and who can you count on to push you to the top when the going gets tough? (and believe me, it will get tough)

You can do it. It doesn’t matter who you are.

Posted by  |  January 30, 2011 | Categories: Motivation, Serious-talk, Video | Tags: , , , | Leave A Comment »

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