French Fries: The Other White Meat?
So I found this Food Slogan site and thought, “Hey, I can do that!”
- Bleu Cheese: Yes, It’s Mold. Now Get Over It.
- (Organically Produced Sugar) You May Get Fat, But At Least You’re “All Natural”
- Burgers Make The World Go ’round
- Go Ahead! It’s Only Cheesecake
- e-Coli Flavored Spinach: That Which Doesn’t Kill you…
- Trans-fat, Mmmmmm
- Eat Meat Before It Eats You
- Who’s Got A Hankering For Brussels Sprouts?
- Caviar: Eggs Aren’t Just For Breakfast Anymore
…That’ll be $149, please.
Before You Hire A Personal Trainer…
Think about what you want to accomplish. More importantly, think about why.
Still even more importantly, be specific… VERY specific about why the time is NOW. You can start a training program any time. What’s so special about today?
Above all, don’t ever tell a trainer, “I just want to get in shape”. That means absolutely nothing.
What kind of shape do you want to be in? Are you an actor and have to look a certain part for a role? Or do you just want to have your pre-(food)-baby body back? What’s your prime motivator – aesthetics or performance?
What do you want to be able to do that you can’t do right now? What prevents you from picking up your grandkids without back pain? Being able to tie your own shoes? Breaking tackles at the line of scrimmage?
How will you measure progress? Subjectively, by the way you ‘feel’? (that’s not necessarily a bad thing) Or do you need something more concrete, like your V02max, body composition, maximal strength in a particular movement or do you have a closet full of clothes you can’t quite fit into anymore? How will you know when fitness has “arrived”? Measurement eliminates argument.
Also, don’t ever say, “I’m just looking for a new workout routine”. If that’s truly the case, go to any bookstore and head directly to the magazine rack. Every month, you get a supply of new workouts for about $4 per issue. Many titles offer more than one workout, too.
(never mind the fact that most of ‘em are the same regurgitated bodybuilding-style workouts from the 1970s. You only said you wanted a new routine – no mention of the results you’re after)
For about $20, you can avoid all the supplement ads and subscription cards and buy an actual book that’ll go into greater detail about the particular training program than a magazine would ever have space to do.
Now that you know what you want and why, what are you willing to give up to achieve your goal(s)?
There’s the obvious financial commitment. But what about those comfort food binges? Excuses for missed workouts? Lack of meal planning? Can you give up those, too?
There’s nothing wrong with having priorities other than those that are fitness-related. Just don’t expect a trainer to be your ‘enabler’. We’re never going to tell you it’s okay that you had a deep-fried Snickers bar ‘because you felt a little sad’ or because you ‘just wanted to try it’. It probably does taste good. Fat and sugar can have that effect.
But even without the ‘expertise’ of a trainer, you already know THAT’S not going to help you achieve your goals.
Political Correctness Lessons for Skinny People
Being the always considerate, caring, warm-hearted (and only occasionally sarcastic) person that I am, I figured it would be helpful to you, my dear, insensitive readers – if I provided a brief lesson on ways to call someone a “lard-ass” without the risk of overstepping bounds of common decency.
Lesson one: Use specific anatomical/physiological terms instead of offensive slang
Example: “look at that fat ass dude!” becomes “please join me in observing the person with an XY chromosome pattern and an adipose tissue-dominant posterior”
Lesson two: Never – EVER – point and laugh at someone just because they can eat you for breakfast. Instead, find some quality other than physical size to laugh at. Traditional alternatives such as race, religion, gender, political affiliation, IQ or disfigurations of the reproductive organs are always acceptable.
Example: Michael Moore is not fat. He’s just a tree-hugging satanic liberal hermaphrodite.
(See? Doesn’t that sound so much nicer than saying he’s a “fat-ass piece of sh*t”?)
Lesson three: If you do get caught saying something which could be misconstrued as inappropriate or offensive regarding one’s larger-than-life physical stature, follow the Don Imus approach: Lay low for a couple months and then resurface as if nothing ever happened. Time heals all wounds.
Before the hate mail comes rolling in, let me remind you that in my power-lifting days, I was a 300+ pound lump o’ crap. While at the time, I held firmly to the delusion that it was all muscle, the few remaining pictures would tell otherwise. Heck, even when I was a kid, I always had to wear the “husky boy” jeans from Sears.
Diet Plans You Might Want To Stay Away From
Ok, so maybe I pulled these titles out of my (ahem) caffeine-soaked mind, but I wouldn’t be surprised to see ‘em on Amazon.com, either.
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The Thin (Mint Cookie) Diet
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Diet Coke Diet [this is the one where 1 diet coke + 1 snickers bar = zero net calories]
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Eat $&%@ and Die(t)
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Double Whopper with Cheese Diet
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If You Can’t Fry It, Don’t Buy It Diet
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The Whiskey and Cigarette Diet Plan for Expectant Mothers
Got anything to add?
13 Great Gifts For Bodybuilders
I realize the holiday season is long gone, but in the words of my always-enthusiastic neighbor, “every day is a holiday.”
(no, I do not live next to Ned Flanders)
Here’s a baker’s-dozen gift ideas for the bodybuilder in your life.
- Mirrors
- Anything made from spandex
- Canned tuna
- Crocheted syringe cover
- Tanning bed
- Razors
- Terminator Underoos
- Proactiv Solution
- A tour of the BALCO facilites
- Shaker cups
- A signed picture of Arnold
- Subscription to Flex magazine
- Lifting straps
If you arrived here expecting something a bit more on the serious side, check out www.PrecisionNutritionPlan.com. It’s the most complete guide to goal-supportive nutrition available.
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Nice Marketing Strategy, Mr. Congressman, but…
Earlier this week, a friend reminded me that back in the ‘old days’, steroid-assisted athletes who’d get slapped on the hand would be the ones who came in second place.
Or maybe they were good enough for the big-leagues, but they only made the practice team.
They were pawns and were therefore expendable.
Of course, the champions and franchise players would always test clean.
Never-mind any potential health consequences, this system provided ‘social-proof’ that steroids were for “losers”.
These days, the message is different.
Now if you “load up” you’ll be able to run faster, hit further, dish out more punishment in the ring, on the field or in the water.
In short, performance enhancing drugs work like MAGIC!
If superstars are even suspected of using steroids, this only increases the perception that drugs work.
This also sends a message that the ‘evil’ performance enhancing substances we keep hearing are so bad for us can actually take a regular schlep to superstar status and put millions in his (or her) bank account.
In a different arena, drug addict/train-wreck Amy Winehouse is awarded with SIX Grammy nominations and five WINS for her ability to go in and out of rehab (or whatever her actual talent may be).
Are these really the messages the government and media are trying to get across?
Maybe it’d make more sense to put the prematurely balding, grape-nut testicled, gap-toothed, always-injured minor players on the chopping block and send the message, “hey kid, look what really happens when you take steroids”.
Sure, some big names will slip through the cracks and eyebrows will always be raised, but LOSERS getting busted sends an entirely different message.
Guilty or not, Roger Clemens, Marion Jones and Lance Armstrong still outperformed the competition when it counted.
Not a lot of incentive to stay clean now, is it?
Stop Looking For Loopholes!
Can I have a cheat day/cheat meal/cheat week?
What about a bag of chips/cookies/donuts as a post-workout meal?
Can 5 minutes on a treadmill/bike/cross trainer count as my workout for the day?
But I had to chase my kids/run around the office all day…
What about ‘diet’ cola?
I read that dark chocolate/red wine/cheese cake can be good for you
Any good training or nutrition system will have a built in margin-of-error allowing you some freedom to bend the rules. Stick to the plan and quit trying to re-invent the wheel that is fitness and weight loss.
Bodybuilders: All Show and No Go?
As a one-time competitive powerlifter, bodybuilders can still be a frequent (and oh, so easy) target for me to write about.
But sometimes, even the vanity-driven, hairless and well-oiled ones find a way to do something positive worth mentioning.
This story shows that there may just be some functional/performance carry-over to posing in your underwear.
See? I can give credit where credit’s due.
Plastic Surgery? Bah!
Recently, I was asked if I knew of of any surgery-free ways to help “the girls” resist the downward tug of gravity.
Combining my years of experience in the fitness industry along with my appreciation of the female form (plus a hint of sarcasm), I ‘discovered’ there are, in fact, 3 highly effective, non-invasive techniques keep those womanly bits right where they belong.
***** ***** *****
Surgery-free boob lift idea #1: stand on your head
Surgery-free boob lift idea #2: search the classified ads or yellow pages for a company that specializes in “support services”. Or maybe you can get a referral from Janet Jackson.
Surgery-free boob lift idea #3: strategically placed duct tape
With less than 12 hours until my birthday, I suppose it’s entirely possible the day will come in which I’ll grow up and just answer one of these questions with a shrug of the shoulders and a dismissive “I dunno“.
Nah…
Rules, Regulations and Important Terminology
This is my gym.
There are many like it, but this one is mine…
-JS-
- The inner-most weight always faces inward
- All other weights face out (and do I really even need to mention they must be in descending order?)
- Always use collars. If you don’t know how to use ‘em. I’ll show you one time.
- At the end of a workout, everything gets put back where it belongs
- If you’re going to train in my gym, expect to listen to heavy metal
- Deadlifts and shoes don’t mix (unless they’re Vibram FiveFingers)
- Lifting straps are only allowed if you lack the all-important opposable thumb
- Gloves? Get a Curves membership. Around here, if you can’t grate cheese across the callouses on your hands, you’re a wuss
- No, there is no padding for the squat bar – that’s how it’s supposed to feel
- You are responsible for cleaning up your own sweat, drool, blood or any other bodily fluids that might go flying during a workout
- Concentration curls are not allowed
- You don’t have to enjoy training, but if you’re just going to go through the motions, go somewhere else.
- Don’t talk to me when I’m doing (or obviously preparing) for a set.
- If I ask you to spot me during a set, don’t hover over me with twitchy hands. If I need help, you’ll know it.
- Yes, there is a mirror. No, it’s not for posing. It’s set in a strategic location to get the most bang for my lighting buck. Don’t move it. Don’t touch it. Don’t let me catch you even looking at it.
- We share loading/unloading responsibilities
- 25lb weights are called “quarters” and 2.5lb weights are known as “babies”
- Misloads are unacceptable and are punishable by waterboarding
- If you’re not invited back, don’t take it personally. I’m not really into that whole “training partner” thing.
- If you are invited back, take it as a compliment.
"Mighty" Joe Stankowski
