Conspiracy
As speculation about the apparent double-murder/suicide of pro-wrestler Chris Benoit rages on, I have a few theories of my own.
1) Somebody failed to forward an email-chain letter to 5 of their friends and “something bad” really did happen.
2) Nobody died. Vince McMahon is just pushing the storyline thing a little too far outside of the ring.
3) This is another one of those ”right-wing diversion tactics”. See how we got you liberal-wackos to forget all about Iraq? Just wait to see what we have up our sleeves for 2008!
4) Three words: Kim Jong Il
5) Professor Plum in the library with a… lat pulldown machine?
6) Chuck Norris killed ‘em. Eventually, Chuck Norris kills everybody.
MySpace Surveys
I’m still not sure exactly why, but I have a MySpace page – myspace.com/joestankowski.
If you know anything about MySpace, you’re probably already familiar with the ridiculous “surveys” floating around – most of which I suspect are to gather personal information and steal your identity (even if they are written by 12 year olds)
Notwithstanding the fact that I’m a responsible adult (and have a life) I wouldn’t ever take one of these data-mining exercises seriously, but today I thought I’d have a little fun with some of the questions right here at “the cup”. Enjoy.
- Are you smiling?
Only when I deadlift
- Do you drink beer?
Of course. Milk is for babies – Arnold said so.
- What do you want?
To deadlift more weight. What else is there?
- Are you any good at poker?
Why would I play cards when I can deadlift?
- Pepsi or Coke?
Varsity post workout drink by ProGrade. It has the 2:1 carbs to protein ratio I need and it tastes great!
- Do you ever throw up?
Only after a good workout.
- Do you use a pencil or pen?
I write with lifting chalk.
- Do you believe dreams come true?
Only if you have a solid periodization plan and restoration strategy.
- What are you wearing on your feet?
Barefoot. I’m getting ready to deadlift.
- What was the last thing you ate?
A chocolate-almond supershake (recipe from Precision Nutrition)
- What were you doing before this survey?
Thinking about deadlifting.
- What is the closest item near you that is black?
A stack of 45lb Olympic weights.
- What is the last movie you watched?
Bill Hartman & Mike Robertson’s warm-up video
- Where was your default MySpace picture taken?
At a tattoo shop in Gary, Indiana the day after a powerlifting meet.
- Why did you pick your background?
If it was anywhere else, the tiger would have tried to kill me.
- What is irritating you now?
Knowing that somewhere in the world, there are people who will never have a chance to deadlift.
- Do you have a dog?
No. They don’t have opposable thumbs, therefore they cannot deadlift.
Idiots In The News
I admit it… I find it very annoying (to put it mildly) when people feel the need to broadcast their political preferences, favorite breed of dog, love of bingo or the school their child attends through cheap, 50 cent bumper stickers plastered across the back end of a $30,000+ vehicle.
So I guess that means I’m gonna have to stop at a gas station to find a foam & mesh hat with the raised text “I Brake For Idiots” on the front panel.
It’s still early in the week, yet we’ve already had to deal with some really stupid news. And this goes way beyond the (most recent) release of everyone’s favorite heiress from her 12×8 foot jail cell.
1) We have a story about a pro wrestler who killed his wife and 7 year old kid before hanging himself. Of course ESPN was quick to label it a case of ‘roid rage.
Didn’t Arnold “The Governator” admit to steroid use during his bodybuilding days? Who has he killed lately? What about the majority of the NFL? Major league baseball? Tour-de-France cyclists? The Chinese women’s swim team?
If ‘roid rage is really the side effect of steroid use the media makes it out to be, every four years I’d expect the Olympic games to be awash in blood.
I’d bet the parents of ESPN’s newscasters never had to worry about removing “honor student” bumper stickers when it was time to trade in the family sedan.
2) In another story, fast food restaurants in NYC have decided to “stand their ground” and blatantly defy a law (albeit a ridiculous one) by refusing to list the calorie content of the crap, er… ‘food’… they push on their customers.
Want to find out what happens when you defy a law? Just ask the aforementioned Miss Hilton now that she’s traded in her orange jump suit for freedom. She may still stop for chihuahuas, but I predict she won’t be stopping off for a drink before driving home anytime soon.
3) A pair of really intelligent parents (both doctors) in India thought it would be a good idea to let their 15 year old son deliver a baby by Cesarean section.
WOnder if they have a pro-life bumper sticker: “Choose Life – Let Our Son Deliver Yours“
I can’t wait to see what tomorrow’s news has to offer.
Dr. Joe’s Wilmington Diet Revolution Has Begun!
How does one become a ‘weight loss expert’?
First, you need a doctoral degree (real or otherwise) and/or the name of a local seaside attraction. If you’re lacking either of these, you can also use the name of the nearest small town. Whatever you do, just be sure to put the word “diet” after it to give it some air of credibility. (words like “breakthrough” or “revolution” can make your method appear even better!)
Next, remove one or more of the seven major nutrient classes: protein, carbohydrates, fats, fiber, vitamins, minerals or water. Nevermind the fact that these are all important for your health; just put it in writing.
Now here comes the critical part: Gather testimonials from people who lost a good deal of weight in a relatively short time. Great sources are new moms (“I lost 8lbs and 3oz in just one afternoon”), food poisoning victims (“I don’t even think about my favorite foods now”) and amputees (“Everyone at work keeps asking what’s different about me since I started The _____ Diet”).
[basically, if you hang around a hospital long enough you'll get all the marketing materials you'll ever need.]
Finally, wait for a slow news day when you’ll contact the media about your new diet system. If the planets are aligned just right and you’ve followed my instructions to the letter, I can’t think of any reason you can’t become the next weight loss guru.
I wonder… could the Atkins diet really be the best thing since sliced bread?
Women and Relationship Issues
Body weight is NOT directly proportional to the weights you lift.In fact, if you’ve spent any amount of time hanging around gyms, you may have noticed that the amount of bodyfat a person carries is usually inversely proportional to the amount of weight they lift.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen significantly overweight women going through the motions of triceps kickbacks to shoulder presses to biceps curls with nothing more than a pair of 3lb dumbbells!
Ask ‘em why and you’ll probably hear some variation of “I don’t want to get bulky“
Look, I don’t care how much you weigh… if you have more body fat than you want, you are bulky. Toying with those little pink, foam covered weights isn’t going do anything to change it.
On the other hand, fitness and figure competitors (and I don’t mean bodybuilders) have lean, fit and at risk of being perceived as politically incorrect, I’ll even go so far as to say SMOKIN‘ HOT bodies.
They don’t use the ‘cute little hand-weights’ either. They go straight for the 20, 30 and 40+ pound dumbbells and they train hard.
They squat.
They deadlift.
They do pull ups and cleans and all those other so-called ‘bulky’ exercises.
They even sweat.
But as a ‘side effect’…
They get stronger.
They get leaner.
Their bodies get firm, yet retain (and even enhance) their feminine qualities.
And contrary to common thinking, those women who dare to lift ‘real’ weights do not become bulky (unless your measurement standard is Lindsay Lohan or the stick-figure character from ‘hangman’).
I certainly won’t ever claim to understand what goes on in any woman’s mind, but if I can just help a few of ‘em get past their tabloid-and-infomercial influenced visions of “common sense” and begin to train like they really mean it, I’ll be a happy man.
Arrested Development
During the summers of the late 1970s, early ’80s, I remember getting up in the morning, having some scrambled eggs and a pop tart or two, then as soon as the Flintstones was done, I’d go outside to play ‘cops & robbers’ with my neighborhood friends all day – the only break would be for a sandwich (usually a couple slices of cheese-impregnated ham with a slathering of yellow mustard) and a cold glass of cool-ade (I don’t know what flavors, but it seemed like it was always red).
Whenever we’d play CHiPs, there’d be the standard argument over who could be “Ponch“.
Back in those days, to become a police officer (or at least to play one on TV), you really had to have the appearance of being an outstanding citizen and in good physical condition (Don’t even try to convince me that Barney Fief, Rosco P. Coltrane or the aforementioned motorcycle cops from CHiPs weren’t all in the their physical prime).
Looking back, I suppose I could even give some credit to those fictitious law enforcers as my early inspirations to exercise as I’d run around chasing bad guys and patrolling the neighborhood on my ‘motorcycle’ all day. (Okay, so maybe Ponch & Jon were just convenient excuses to put baseball cards in the spokes of my bike…)
“Being well-rounded, having some life experience, makes for a better person and patrolman…” Fast forward to the present day, non-televised world of cops: Police standards are sinking fast.
Minor crimes like drug convictions (“experimental use of cocaine and marijuana” or “ecstasy… as long as it was more than five years in the past“) and gang related activity (I can only imagine what this includes) are no longer the barriers to wearing a badge and carrying a service revolver that they once were.
You now have the right to a jelly donut. If you cannot afford a deep fried mound of flour covered (and filled) with sugar, a donut will be provided for you by the taxpayers.
The physical standards for new recruits are falling, too (why else would I have brought the subject up in the first place?).
One police department in Alaska now allows for an additional 21 seconds to run 300 meters – giving them a full minute and 17 seconds to cover the track. Should I assume they’re running in snowshoes?
The L.A.P.D even loosened the body fat requirements to 24% for men and 32% for women. I could understand these levels in the corn-belt states, but in Los Angeles? Judging by the cover of People magazine, I was under the impression that being overweight there was a crime!
In everything else in life, standards get tougher. Why would something as important as protecting and serving go the other way?
Celebrity Look-Alikes
I just saw a teaser for the evening news where so-called ‘regular’ guys are going under the plastic surgeon’s knife to look like thier favorite celebs.
Brad Pitt’s nose and Russell Crowe’s chin are said to be popular but if I was to ever seriously consider getting work done, I think my first task would be bicep implants. My only fear is that people on the streets might mistake me for “Carrot Top”
Did A Beta-Carotene Overdose Cause This?
BTW: New York, look out. I’m coming into town to do some more work for Men’s Fitness magazine again this week. So I invite my friends and fans in the city that never sleeps to drop me a line in the next couple of days and we’ll try to schedule a time and place to meet up for a meal or a drink over some fitness chat – maybe we can even throw some weights around if you know of a decent gym.
…You Were Saying?
Sure, it’s tough to commit to regular exercise. There are just so many other things that require our undivided attention. Or maybe it’s just easier to feel sorry for ourselves and find something better to do.
“I don’t have time”
“My elbow/knee/back hurts”
“It’s just too hard”
“I didn’t sleep well”
“(enter your favorite exer-scuse here)”
I admit, there are days that I consider skipping my workout. But I have a li’l trick for getting past the “poor, busy me” syndrome – I think about some of the people I met who had every possible reason to forget about training, yet they soldiered on…
– One guy was in a wheelchair, his shriveled legs resembled overcooked linguine. Since squatting and running were out of the picture, he competed in bench press contests (quite successfully, I should add). He’d train just as hard as any able-bodied person would – probably even harder. I remember watching him with awe as he did rep after rep of pull ups with his wheelchair strapped to him.
Did he have a valid excuse to not exercise?
– Another guy was born with a condition that left him with flipper-like hands where his arms should have been. (I’m not positive, but I think his phocomelia may have been attributed to thalidomide prescribed to his mother while pregnant). Still, he’d deadlift, do pulldowns and any other exercise he “shouldn’t really be able to do“.
Could he have found an excuse to not work out?
– “One-legged Jim”, a Vietnam vet, had one of his legs completely blown off by a C4-explosive mishap, yet he’d be in the gym working on the leg press, riding the stationary bike. He would occasionally find excuses to skip coming to the gym. Most often, it was because he was busy competing in various sporting events – including the paralympic games.
But I guess he should’ve just stayed home, right?
– A couple of months ago, I met a competitive powerlifter in New Jersey who lost an arm and a leg when he was hit by a car. So what does he do now? He has a special prosthetic device that clamps onto an Olympic bar and he still presses the kind of weights that most guys only wish they could.
Why didn’t he cancel his gym membership?
I could go on and on with stories like these, but maybe it’s a good time for you to remind me…What was your excuse for avoiding exercise?
[if you have stories of inspirational people who find a reason to exercise despite their so-called 'limitations', please post 'em as a reply right here or send it to me by email: questions (at) joestankowski (dot) com]
Come See For Yourself
What do the names Sinatra, Bon Jovi, Springsteen and Horner have in common?
They are all incredibly talented individuals you can hear on the radio AND each one hails from the state of New Jersey.
Did you just ask ‘But who’s Horner’?
Well, if you live within earshot of Vineland, NJ, you’re probably already familiar with my friend and colleague Sherri Horner, host of a popular heath & fitness themed radio show on 92.1FM.
Sherri interviews everyone from world champion athletes to top medical professionals and internationally known fitness experts.
(Not to boast, but I’ve been a guest on the show more than a few times. And if you look closely at the show’s website, you might even notice a picture of yours truly. But that’s enough about me… this one is all about you, baby!)
Thanks to Sherri’s dedication to spreading the fitness word beyond the borders of the Garden State (along with some help from the miracle that is streaming media), fitness buffs worldwide can now tune in LIVE Saturdays 12:00 to 1:00 P.M. EST from the comfort of their personal computer.
What? That’s smack dab in the middle of your Saturday workout? Or maybe you’re still recovering from Friday night’s decadence and debauchery?
No problem. Past shows are starting to become available at HealthFitnessBroadcast.com, too.
So start spreadin’ the news…
"Mighty" Joe Stankowski
