Food For Thought?
Book Review:
The Couch Potato Workout: 101 Exercises You Can Do At Home!
(Publisher: North American Spine Society – Jan 2006)Quite simply, this is the worst book about exercise I never read.
Fitness professionals everywhere should be offended – yes, even Gunnar “lift your soup cans” Peterson should even feel insulted.
Here we have an entire industry committed to helping people that want to be helped and realize the only real solution is to ‘eat right and exercise’.
Then a book like this comes along and suggests that it really is possible to get in shape with little to no effort.
To make things worse, this piece of “literature” was written by an MD – an expert in sports medicine and rehabilitation?!
I’ll give the author the benefit of the doubt and assume his book is intended to be taken tongue in cheek, but Dr. Press should realize that the letters after his name suggest a level of credibility and some people are likely to take this book seriously.
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but you can’t have your cake and eat it, too.
Maybe the problem isn’t their bodies, but their self-image?
This book was apparently written for people that have not only proven unwilling to un-plop their not-so-streamlined a**es off the couch to exercise, but they even accept the demeaning label of “couch potato” as some sort of status symbol. (And I suspect that today’s ‘couch potatoes’ is tomorrow’s ‘nappy headed ho’)
According to this description from Amazon.com,
This entertaining book provides 101 simple exercises that can be done at home to increase strength, balance and flexibility. From the “Overhead Laundry Toss” to “One-Legged Flossing,” Dr. Press – a leading expert in sports medicine and rehabilitation – explains everyday activities that can improve your overall fitness level and reduce the risk of injury. Amusing illustrations provide a guide for the reader on proper technique.
Did they say entertaining? Maybe. But I suspect this book is best suited for reading in the smallest room in your home. [take a moment to think about that one if you need to]
And what about proper technique for ‘one-legged flossing’? I agree in principle that it is possible to identify opportunities to exercise anywhere you want to. But for true couch potatoes, I suspect any want to exercise will be outweighed by the comfort and familiarity of their own butt-imprint on the sofa cushion.
There have been more than 473,000 hits on “couch potato exercise book”, so obviously someone believes this book might just be the antidote to the Judge Judy marathon they can’t pull away from.
Or maybe those hits are just one of the economic indicators suggesting gag gifts are on high order this year? (Which reminds me… to the wise-guy with no return address: I can read the postmark… If I get one more inflatable sheep in the mail, I swear I’ll hunt you down even if I have to go door-to-door through your entire zip code. I’ll find you. You can bet on it!)
The Short Story: Although the Couch Potato Workout won’t be on my list of gifts to give this year, at 8.3″ x 5.5″ it might just work as a heavy-duty coaster for your favorite couch potato’s mega-sized Slurpee while they sweat gravy in front of the tube.
This Girl Is A Woman Now
The crown jewel in Donald Trump’s festival of beautiful woman now complete for 2007, a new Miss Universe has been crowned. Now in the post-season, next year’s pageant hopefuls are already gearing up for the 2008 season of local and state competitions.
Having successfully coached competitors (and even judged a couple pageants) in the past, I still get the occasional question about pageant fitness prep. While many of the girls/women in this subculture are still clinging to old-school training concepts (thighmaster, anyone?) I do still consider working with competitors if they’re willing to put their leg-warmers and leotards away and put on their game-face for a serious training program.
This morning, I received a letter from a young woman who has already had some pageant success as a teen and is about to make the jump to the big-leagues. The following email exchange was edited for space and readability. Identity was removed to protect the innocent.
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Q: Hi! I was searching online for fitness tips for pageants and I came across your website. I won [my state's] Miss Teen America title in 2005 and this year I will be competing in [my state's] Miss USA qualifier.
I am happy with my body, but I have never been completely confident in a swimsuit (mostly because of my butt and legs) and would like to be around 125 lbs. My legs are muscular and my thighs are larger than any of my friends’. I like my stomach, but my upper body could stand to be a little more toned. I know you can’t spot reduce, but it’s also really hard for me to drastically cut calories (especially when I’m working out a lot!). I guess my question is, what are your biggest tips for pageant girls?
Signed, Miss X
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A: First, cutting calories is only one way to drop weight (and I’d even call it outdated)… Especially since you are training, the application of TEF (thermic effect of food), nutrient partitioning and nutrient timing are much more effective and healthy methods to manipulate and control body composition. [all are aspects of biochemist/nutrition "guru", Dr. John Berardi's program to help you achieve your ideal body through 10 nutritional habits.]
Now, here are my general tips for pageant competitors:
Tip #1) If a trainer/coach requires you send photos of yourself in swimsuit and heels in order to design your training program, I’d recommend you think twice about using his services.
As you already understand, you cannot spot reduce (at least to any meaningful degree). While a “before” picture might be a helpful motivator for you, to base a training program on the idea that you just because you may have “big legs” or “big arms”, then suggest exercises which are supposed to make them “long and lean” only perpetuates the idea that spot reduction really IS possible.
Now if you do find your coaches’ guidance helpful and feel compelled to provide your ‘before’ and ‘after’ pictures that can be used for marketing, a swimsuit shot will do a great job of displaying the body but an evening gown pic or even a basic headshot can be just as useful. To require a swimsuit/heels photo just seems a little sleazy to me.
Tip #2) Don’t train like a bodybuilder unless you want to look like a bodybuilder. One of the key concepts of fitness programming is known as the SAID principle: Specific Adaptation to Imposed Demands. Meaning, your body will adapt in an almost predictable way depending on the stimulus you provide.
To help this make sense, here are a few examples:
Person A spends all day sitting in front of a tv/computer. Her abs and hip flexors adapt by becoming short and tight while her back, glutes and hamstrings become longer and weaker.
While it’s not the lifestyle I’d recommend, I admit that frequent repetition of this stimulus will create the ‘perfect’ adaptation for this activity (just don’t expect to get up and move well when it’s time to open another bag of chips)
Person B is a martial artist and she spends countless hours doing a light ‘karate chop’ against a hard surface. In turn, the skin on the edge of her hand responds by becoming thicker, the bones stronger. As the years go by, she can hit progressively harder with less chance of injury to herself because she’s already adapted to THAT stimulus.
Person C is a stereotypical bodybuilder who attempts to isolate individual muscles with the intent of hypertrophy (growth) and muscular symmetry while striving to create her idea of the physical ideal. But (and this is a BIG but!) – bodybuilding competition is largely based on static poses and still photos in magazines, NOT the flowing, natural movements across the stage you’d see in pageantry.
Fitness & Figure competitors training comes close because it addresses not just static posture, but functional movement, too.
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Having just used the “f” word, I’ll add that from a functional standpoint, pageants have their own specific needs that can be addressed through fitness training: stability (I can only imagine trying to look ‘in control’ while balancing in heels!), muscular strength/endurance (specifically through the postural muscles of the ‘posterior chain’) and confidence (if you know you’re putting in more effort than your competition, even if your training program isn’t ‘standard’, you can still gain a mental edge that the judges will pick up on.)Aesthetically, body composition is certainly a concern for many pageant competitors. If you were to you ask 10 coaches for the ‘best’ way to get ‘lean & mean’, you’ll get at least 15 different answers! Generally speaking (and this applies to all-things-fitness), the ‘best’ program is the one you haven’t done yet.
Tip #3) If you do have outside help, be sure you trust your coach/trainer AND you can be brutally honest with him/her. It does you (or the trainer) no good if you say you’re eating/training differently than you really are. Coaches can only make adjustments based on what they can measure and know to be reality.
On the whole, trainers don’t get offended easily and it never hurts our feelings when a client says they didn’t/wouldn’t/couldn’t do something we asked – it just gives us a reason to find a different approach (or sever the trainer/client relationship)
Okay, that’s enough ‘fluffy’ training talk for today… I need to deadlift.
Good luck!
Throwing In The Towel
You have questions? I have answers…
…about a week back
Q: Joe, I recently saw an article that showed a pullup variation in which you hold on each end of a towel thrown over a bar. I can’t do any pullups right now, but what would make this exercise better than a regular pullup.
A: While I’m slightly tempted to tell you that it depends whether you’re using a towel made from 100% Egyptian cotton or a cotton-poly blend, I’ll try to take it easy on you. If you can’t do ANY pullup variation right now, why on earth would it even matter to you if there is a ‘better’ variation?
What ultimately makes one exercise better than another is it’s level of appropriateness for your specific goals., abilities and preferences. But before you set the bar too high, start with an exercise variation you can do.
Of course, if you still need to know more about towel-pullups, a higher thread count will make the movement even more challenging…
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Have a burning question you need answered but don’t know who to turn to?
As long as it can even be even remotely connected to anything that has to do with exercise and/or nutrition, feel free to send it to questions (at) joestankowski (dot) com
Like Fingernails On A Chalkboard
My natural instinct is to cringe whenever I hear the word stretch. It seems the majority of people I talk to have the preconceived notion that static stretching – where you hold a muscle under light to moderate tension for 10-60seconds – is the best (or only) way to achieve soft tissue extensibility.
Nothing Could Be Further From The Truth
While the stretching techniques you learned in 3rd grade gym class may provide short term relief from tension and/or have therapeutic applications, any increase in range of motion (ROM) is likely to be passive. That is, you gain additional extensibility beyond a range in which you have any meaningful control.
Fortunately, there are more effective techniques to improve active ROM: Resistance training through a full range of motion, Muscle Activation Therapy, active-isolation stretching and dynamic ROM techniques are a few of my personal and professional favorites.
As far as I’m concerned, it is almost always preferable to have a limited (but protective) active ROM (as with anything in life, there will always be exceptions) then it is to be passively loose and “floppy”.
Just Because It Feels Good Doesn’t Mean It’s Good For You
While it may be intuitive to think that more is better (especially when it comes to range of motion), passive flexibility may allow you to move into ranges where risk for injury is actually increased.
What good is feeling all “loose-y goose-y” if all it really gives you is a better chance of getting hurt?
I Am Very Much Alive
Just to clear up any confusion…
1) Yes, my name is Joe Stankowski
2) No, I did not die in WWII
I only bring this up because according to an article in Monday’s (Pittsburgh)Post Gazette:
“When the Germans counterattacked with tanks, Mr. [Joe] Stankowski’s position was overrun, and he was killed…”
I Blog, Therefore I Am?
Notwithstanding the fact that I wasn’t even born until February of 1972, assuming I actually was killed by German forces in 1945, would somebody puh-leeeze care to explain to me how it is possible that in the first few months of 2007 I have already…
- Contributed a chapter (“The Quest for the Golden Monkey“) to Alwyn Cosgrove’s Lift Strong project. NOTE: All proceeds go to the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society.
- Written an article (“5 Costly Mistakes When Creating a Home Gym”) for Coach Mike Robertson’s special report, Insight From The Experts – now available absolutely free to subscribers of his e-newsletter…
- Been quoted and/or contributed to numerous training tips in Men’s Fitness magazine…
- Tested and/or reviewed various fitness books and products, including TylerGrips (which, by the way, are my favorite new training tool) and a new line of nutritional supplements available only through fitness professionals…
- Made my acting debut in the stage production of “In A Time of Scoundrels” at the Delaware Theatre Company
Need even more evidence that I am alive and kicking?
In mid June, I’m tentatively scheduled to oversee another multi-day fitness video podcast shoot in NYC.
If you’re in the area and feel compelled to meet with me in person to prove to your doubting self that I really did survive the German attack during dub-ya dub-ya two, I’ll be happy to hang out with my legion of fans at a yet-to-be-determined dining establishment (probably in Mid-Town) – but please, no autographs…
Stay tuned to The Cup for more details…
Warm-ups Made Simple
In fitness circles, there’s always discussion about the best way to warm-up before exercise and everyone has their preferred method.
To keep things simple, there are 3 types of warm-ups I use with my clients.
General – Characterised by low to moderate intensity activity. Generally requiring low skill. Often done as steady-state activity (treadmill, bike). Tends to be lower-body dominant as well as single plane dominant. It does get your heart rate up. It does redirect blood flow to the working muscles. It even raises your body temperature – which in turn causes your joints to produce more synovial fluid – the juice that keeps your joints lubricated. But even with all these benefits, I rarely use a general warm-up with my clients anymore.
A long time favorite of typical gym-based trainers (it’s just so darned easy to get paid to stand there posing in a mirror while a client rides a bike), a general warm-up can be a useful tool for geriatrics and the extremely deconditioned, but for most able-bodied individuals, there is a much better way to prepare for exercise (drum roll, please…)
Dynamic – Dynamic warm-ups not only provide the benefits of a general warm-up, they also utilize total body movements through all 3 planes of motion. PLUS you challenge the full muscle action spectrum (eccentric, isometric and concentric contractions) which prepares you for the type of exercise you’ll do during your workout. THIS is exactly what a warm-up is supposed to do. (see www.UltimateWarmup.com for details about an incredibly thorough DVD on dynamic warm-ups)
Specific – In addition to a dynamic warm up, specific warm-ups could (and should) be performed for just about any exercise that has high neuro-muscular demands and/or skill requirements.
Let’s take a page out of my training log… Say it’s squat day and I’m scheduled to do 465 for 5. Rather than jump headfirst into my work set (and watch my knees explode as my muscles peel away from the bone), I’d start with an easy set of 10 at 135.
Then I’d take 225 for 5 reps, followed by 315 for a few and 405 for one or 2.
By progressing through a series of lighter sets to prepare for my actual work set(s), once I get to 465, I’m ready to rock (both physiologically and psychologically).
One of the biggest mistakes I see in the gym when people try a specific warm-up is that they do too much. I’m not sure why, but it seems like it’s always sets of 10 at a progressively heavier weight.
But notice in my example, I don’t warm-up with so many reps that I’m fatigued by the time I get to 465 – the goal is to do just enough to prepare you for the next set, regardless if it’s another warm-up or your final set of the day.
Epidemic, shmep-i-demic!
Is obesity really the big problem the media makes it out to be?
Personally, I don’t believe overweight and obesity is really the problem at all. Instead, what if we turn the tables and view it as a SYMPTOM?
Obesity is a result of:
1) Questionable nutritional choices and 2) Less-than-adequate physical activity
By removing our hamburger colored glasses and getting down to the root of the matter, it seems to me like ‘eat right and exercise’ might still be the best advice anyone can give.
There will of course be those individuals who suffer rare metabolic conditions which may contribute to weight gain, but the operative word here is RARE.
I meet a lot of people who are all-too-eager to bestow such afflictions upon themselves, that even without a single medical test, they somehow self-diagnose their condition and are quick to resign to the idea that they can never lose weight – “poor, poor me” :(
Of course, they do take great care to remind themselves of their ‘untreatable condition’ while sitting in the drive-thru line ordering their favorite super-sized meal ["might as well make it a large"].
The Problem Lies In The Choices One Makes.
Maybe it is easier to accept being overweight if we find someone or something else to blame…
- But don’t blame your genetics. Your parents may have provided a poor example of what ‘health and fitness’ really is but you have the power to change the way you think and act if you really want to.
- Don’t blame the soda machines in schools and the workplace. Just because it’s there doesn’t mean you have to support the junk-food industry. You can choose healthier alternatives.
- Don’t blame the mega-portion sizes from the restaurant industry at-large (yes, the pun was intended). You have the ability to choose between enjoying some now and taking the rest home for another meal or eating everything in front of you and filling in any cracks with a brownie sundae.
If there is any epidemic in this country, it’s one of laziness, apathy or downright ignorance (which in the ‘age of information’, I find awfully hard to believe to be the case).
Take care of the real PROBLEM and the symptoms will take care of themselves.
See Me Squirm – Watch Me Grow
One of the keys to exercise success is the application of a challenging stimulus and adequate time for recovery and adaptation.
The same holds true for many things in life – including business and personal success. By challenging yourself to accomplish something you presently consider to be uncomfortable, you gain the ability to handle similar stressors in the future much with much greater ease.
Self-improvement in 6 short weeks
Earlier this year I enrolled in an Introduction To Acting class at the local theater company. I gotta tell ya’, I had absolutely zero interest in becoming an actor. My most recent theatrical performance was a role as a Martian in my 4th grade play – and I was happy to retire from the stage quickly after the show ended.
So I don’t know exactly why, but when I saw the ad in the paper, I figured an acting class would be just about right to push me past my current comfort zone. Stimulate – recover – improve. It made sense to me.
Well, either Delaware is starving for acting talent since Kevin Bacon left town or I did one hell of a number in my intro-class performance as a piece of paper that got jammed in a copy machine. Only a couple weeks after the class ended, I got the call – I was invited to audition for a few different roles in the 2007 Delaware Young Playwright’s Festival.
Apparently I impressed the production team. I’m pretty sure it had something to do with my entrance at the audition – I ran in front of the casting committee, hi-fiving everyone as if I they were my football teammates as I was running onto the field for the opening kickoff, but I digress…
I read for the part of “Actor 3″ (It’s a lot bigger role than it sounds! Seriously!!!). From what I understand, it came down to me and Sean Connery (Brad Pitt had previous obligations). You know, the more I think about it, that might just be the director’s idea of being funny. Hmmm?
So I got the part for the stage production of “In A Time Of Scoundrels” – my role requires me to play several different characters – ranging from a 1950s era Father-Knows-Best-type to a MacCarthy-esque chairman of the HUAC committee (busting Commies is my middle name) to a high-rolling, smooth-talking chick-magnet in a 3 piece suit – obviously, that one doesn’t really require me to act, but it’s a fun scene to do nonetheless.
We’ve been refining the script and rehearsing for several weeks already and it’s almost showtime.
“I Knew Him When…”
If you’re going to be in or around Wilmington, Delaware May 17 or 18 and are interested in witnessing my acting debut, you’ll have the opportunity to say you were one of the few that was there to see the big bang (referencing my heavy use of a gavel in a couple of scenes, not necessarily my acting skills).
To become my character, I even shaved my trademark goatee leaving only a mustache. Ahhh… I think I just figured out why people have been asking me if I was one of the original Village People.
As soon as I recover from the discomfort of losing my facial hair, I can only emerge stronger.
For tickets or more information, contact the box office at the Delaware Theater Co.
What Happens In Vegas…?
As I’ve said many times before, ALL forms of exercise have some level of value (as well as inherent limitations). With this in mind, while I’d be happy to sit in the audience observing their movement – from a purely bio-mechanical perspective, of course :-) – don’t expect to see me teaching Las Vegas’ fitness craze, Stripper 101 anytime soon.
But as soon as the marketplace is finally ready to accept a Gentleman’s Club Patron 101 (pre-req: Deeply Rooted Fantasies I’ve Been Clinging To Since Puberty 100), I’d be happy to develop a commercially marketable fitness program that begins with a warm up amongst the soft glow of black lights while seated in a comfortable chair (ergonomically correct, no less).
Don’t think the workout will be easy though. To be effective, any training program must include a progressive increase of the training variables.
Here’s A Sample Of What I Have In Mind:
First, perform an iso-tonic contraction against your overpriced, watered down drink in a glass that only gets washed once a week (if you’re lucky). Next, you’ll work contra-lateral elbow and shoulder flexion along with alternating horizontal abduction/adduction. To achieve this, you’ll hand over a progressively loaded fist weighted with a stack of dollar bills to your “training partner” – a young woman named Destiny, Candy or Mocha – she’ll have a story about how she’s working her way through college (she’s obviously on the Dean’s List, too).
Look, But Don’t Touch
Strive to maintain core activation and optimal posture throughout, if not some degree of eye contact and/or personal dignity.
To assist you in maintaining proper training tempo, a bonus CD would include such 1980′s strip club favorites as “Girls, Girls, Girls” or “Hot For Teacher”.
Beauty Is Skin Deep
A long time ago at a gym far, far away…
Not long before I made the full leap into the fitness biz, I knew a guy – I’ll call him Trainer X.
Trainer X was representative of the fitness industry at the time in many ways. He was a former competitive bodybuilder. His personal training clients were typically women between 30 and 45. He charged an hourly rate that would’ve been considered average for a gym-based trainer in that part of the country during the early to mid 1990s.
I don’t know if he had any formal education or technical knowledge of what he was doing in the gym, but one thing that really set him apart from other trainers was that his clients would experience dramatic physical changes quicker than the people that worked with any other trainer. The most noticeable change was always in the relationship between their waist and breast measurements.
Those of us “in the know” understood that Trainer X didn’t have any top-secret abdominal fat reducing program that gave his clients ‘better proportion’. Instead, he just dialed the number for a local cosmetic surgeon who specialized in breast augmentation.
Whenever several of his clients would show up at the gym at the same time, I’d always get the feeling I was in the middle of a Tupperware party. For those who don’t quite get my sense o’ humor that would be a reference to all the ‘plastic’ in the room :-)
Being a fitness industry newbie in those days, my thoughts were that Trainer X‘s clients were taking the easy way out. They just weren’t paying their dues and sweating it out like everyone else. Going under the knife to achieve a ‘physical ideal’ didn’t seem right when we were surrounded by the best possible equipment and in such an incredibly supportive environment.
Maybe I Was Wrong?
As I’ve gotten older (and hopefully at least a little bit) wiser, I no longer view plastic surgery as the bad thing I once did.
Is there anything inherently wrong with getting a little surgical help for instant gratification? If it makes you happy and doesn’t hurt anyone else – and you fully accept the risks associated with such an invasive surgical procedure, who am I to say you’re wrong to get a jump start on the way you want to look?
It’s been several years since I’ve seen Trainer X but I hear he’s still in business. To this day, I don’t know if he actually knows anything about ‘training’, but as far as I’m aware, his clients are happy with the changes he helps them achieve. And THAT’S what it’s all about, right?
Before anyone argues that breast implants are not “natural”, I’d like to remind you that the skin is still very real.
And unless your name is Hannibal Lector and you perform autopsies in your basement, the skin is all you’ll see anyway.
Do WHAT With A Toilet Plunger?
I’m often asked what is the best form of “cardio” training?
[A side-note for the uninitiated: I often put 'cardio' in quotes because it's a term that a lot of people mistakenly think refers only to 'fat burning' exercise (read: long duration/low intensity/boredom). I'd more accurately address the topic as Energy System (ES) training and recommend specific training protocols based on individual needs, abilities and preferences. For purposes of this post, let cardio mean whatever you currently understand it to mean]
So let’s say you have a car that gets typical fuel economy. If you drive anything like I do and depress the gas pedal with your right foot, you get 18mpg.
If you feel a little spunky and want to use your left foot, you’re still gonna get 18mpg.
Now if you’re feeling uncharacteristically funky and want to drive using a toilet plunger, guess what – still 18mpg.
If you think of “cardio” as the way you step on the gas and rev your engine (aka: heart), a gym full of treadmills, cross-trainers and bikes isn’t going to be any more effective at doing that than a $5 jump-rope.
Just how many feet (or bathroom implements) can you realistically use to depress the accelerator pedal at one time anyway?
As long as you’re able to effectively manipulate your heart rate, minimize risk of injury and ENJOY whatever mode of exercise you choose to do, THAT is the ‘best’ form of “cardio” – even if you choose to use your toilet plunger as a pogo-stick.
There is another reason I recommend jump-ropes: It’s kind of tough to throw a treadmill in your suitcase when you travel.
Wacky News Review
NEWS ITEM #1: Is it just me or is musician Sheryl Crow looking as rail-thin as female celebs Nicole Richie and Lindsay Lohan as of late?
Maybe this recent quote from Ms. Crow will clear things up…
“Although my ideas are in the earliest stages of development, they are, in my mind, worth investigating. One of my favorites is in the area of forest conservation which we heavily rely on for oxygen… I propose a limitation be put on how many squares of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting… Now, I don’t want to rob any law-abiding American of his or her God-given rights, but I think we are an industrious enough people that we can make it work with only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where 2 to 3 could be required.”
Sheryl, listen to me now and hear me later: If you’re able to take care of business with only one square, either you’re using super-sized toilet paper or you need to start eating more, honey.
NEWS ITEM #2: WARNING: DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME – In South Africa, a gang attacked a man, forced him to strip off all his clothes and then superglued him to his exercise bike while they ransacked his home.
While I don’t think this is the best way to go about getting people to exercise, I have to give the bad guys points for originality. If they weren’t so hung up on being mean & nasty criminals and had the victim’s fitness and body composition in mind, it might have been more effective (and less painful) to just superglue the guy’s refrigerator door shut.
NEWS ITEM #3: Actor Daniel Radcliffe, best known for his role as Harry Potter, is stripping down for a theatre role in London in which he blinds 6 horses with a spike. (!!!) I was kind of hoping he’d play a South African man who gets glued to his exercise bike.
You can decide for yourself if he has a good body. As for his bathroom hygene, that’s completely out of my jurisdiction.
I Was Abducted By Aliens…
It sticks in my mind so clearly, it’s as if it happened only yesterday.I remember looking up and seeing the bright lights all around.
They carted me off to some sort of interrogation room. I counted 3 – possibly 4 of them. Their small, round faces were covered but I could still see their goggle-shielded eyes peering curiously at me – almost as if they were human and could somehow relate to my natural sense of discomfort.
One (possibly a female of their species) seemed to almost glide across the surface of the sterile floor, taking a position directly beside me. For a quick instant, I felt a sharp stabbing pain on the top of my right hand. This was followed by a cold, icy feeling running up through my arm.
Another one placed a clear plastic mask over my face (presumably to muffle my cries for help) and before I could even attempt to fight back, the room went completely black.
…I later learned from conversations with other abductees that my abdomen was filled with some kind of inert gas — and then the probing began. Toto, we’re certainly not in Kansas anymore.
Yes, it’s true. I had a colonoscopy yesterday – my first ever medical procedure requiring sedation (I’ve never even had a cavity, for crying out loud).
I can’t say I was particularly looking forward to the procedure (for multiple reasons), but now that it’s done, I can tell you that it’s not as bad as you might expect. In fact, the worst part was the day before the actual exam.
I’ll avoid being overly graphic here, but if you’ve ever seen a slurry pump in action (like the ones on the Discovery Channel production where they show how Dubai’s man-made “Palm Islands” are built), you’ll have a rough idea what I was experiencing by the end of a full day of nothing but clear liquids and oral laxatives.
But in just 20 minutes, the probing was done. The ‘aliens’ found what they were looking for and removed a small non-cancerous (whew!) polyp from my colon.
As I awoke in the recovery room, the sounds and smells emanating from the other abductees were familiar and earth-like, yet at the same time, more intense than anything I had ever experienced before.
The moral of today’s story: Even if a medical procedure makes you a little uncomfortable, it’s okay to make yourself the butt of a joke if it helps you deal with it.
While we’re on the subject, I just gotta add this classic punch line: Wrecked ‘em? Damn near killed ‘em!
What Does It Take To Offend You?
In a world where majority rules the court of public opinion, I woke up this morning with a bad, bad feeling in my gut…
Given America’s ongoing addiction to political ridiculous-ness, I’m starting to suspect it’s only a matter of time before exercise is known as the “E” word and fitness pros around the country are put in the same category as the Ku Klux Klan or Krispy Kreme donuts.
As our collective waistlines continue to expand and fatness (gasp!) becomes accepted as not just “ok”, but normal, I fear that prohibition will make a return and we’ll have to get our fitness fix in some futuristic speakeasy filled with squat racks and bootlegged dumbbells.
C’mon people, stop being so offended by what others say and start do-ing something about your own life before fitness has to go underground.
"Mighty" Joe Stankowski
